How the Bad Guys Stack Up: Resumes currently on file:

Gary Oldman (“Air Force One”)

Motivation: To make Mother unsafe for democracy by getting his hero, a crazed Kazakhstani dictator (disappointingly not played by Steve Buscemi), out of the pokey.

Computer Skills: Poor. He gets the henchmen to do his hacking for him. Mitigating Factor: He’s from Kazakhstan.

Physical Condition: Fair. He tussles with Harrison Ford, a much older man, and loses. Never even gets to take his shirt off,

Achievement of Goals: Fails to jump-start Kazakhstani takeover of Mother Russia.

*

Willem Dafoe (“Speed 2”)

Motivation: To wreak revenge on a cruise ship line for downsizing him by driving a cruise ship into a tanker and incidentally to pocket some diamonds for his pet leeches

Computer Skills: Excellent. He actually designed the computers that operate the ship. Bonus

points: He never goes anywhere without his laptop. He’s cyber-savvy!

Physical Condition: Poor. He’s terminally ill and would be dead if not for the leeches. When he bares his chest, it’s pitiful.

Achievement of Goals: Wrecks havoc in St. Maaten, no doubt causing PR problems for the cruise line. As a revenge fantasy, it’s more satisfying than stealing office supplies.

*

John Malkovich (“Con Air”)

Motivation: To break out of jail, collect a bunch of drug money and party in a non-extradition nation with a bunch of lowlifes, also just to mess with everyone’s heads.

Computer Skills: Good. He downloaded complete plans of the aircraft before boarding. Lucky he wasn’t flying commercial, because they’re al

Physical Condition: Poor. I forget if he takes his shirt off of not, but if he does, no one wants to see it.

Achievement of Goals: Fails at everything except messing with people’s minds.

*

Nicolas Cage (“Con Air”)

Motivation: To get home in time to give his daughter a bunny for her birthday.

Computer Skills: None. But he’s so Christlike he could probably multiply loaves and fishes without even a calculator.

Physical Condition: Super-buff. This dude is happenin’.

Achievement of Goals: Gets home in time to give his daughter a bunny for her birthday.

*

Nicolas Cage (as Nicolas Cage in “Face/Off”)

Motivation: To threaten to set off a bomb so he can get more money and power than he already has and be able to take singing lessons, also to mess with people’s heads, especially John Travo1819566375 Computer Skills: Good Enough. Plants a computer-operated bomb while singing and dancing in a priest’s outfit. Bonus Points: He computer icon is a skull. Cool.

Physical Condition: Great. In much better shape than John Travolta.

Achievement of Goals: Gets caught, goes into a coma and gets his face swapped.

*

John Travolta (as Nicholas Cage in “Face/Off”

Motivation: To really mess with people’s heads, especially John Travolta’s, whose face he happens to be wearing.

Computer Skills: Good. Dismantles the same bomb, minus the musical number.

Physical Condition: Less than great. In same exact shape as John Travolta. In fact, after they switched faces, thay must’ve done reverse liposuction on Cage’s midsection.

Achievement of Goals: He rules, man! Even Joan Allen likes him better than the real John Travolta, only she can’t admit it.