Punch Lines

Business Beat: “At Industrial Light and Magic, more than 70 technicians worked 10 months on the movie ‘Spawn’ and eventually created a monster,” says Jenny Church. “First it wanted a bigger trailer, then it wanted script changes and now it wants to direct.”

“Microsoft will buy $150 million of Apple Computer’s stock to help the company,” says Alex Kaseberg. “Bill Gates will pay for the shares with change he found behind the cushions of his couch.”

Kellogg has announced that its most popular cereals will begin offering coupons for McDonald’s food and merchandise. “Snap and Crackle will keep their jobs, but Pop has been replaced by Ronald McDonald.” (Bob Mills)

“Surprising news out of Dallas today,” says Jerry Perisho. “Barry Switzer announced the Dallas Cowboys signed NBA guard Allen Iverson.”

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Heat Wave: “It’s so hot in L.A., the 18th Street gang is carrying squirt guns.” (Cutler Daily Scoop)

* It’s so hot, the air started to expand and the heads of three Spice Girls exploded.” (Jay Leno)

* “Erik Estrada’s career is heating up again.” (Daily Scoop)

* “It’s so hot the golfers are following O.J.’s lead and playing at night.” (Bill Williams)

* “Even Rodney King is staying off the road.” (Daily Scoop)

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Men in Brown: The UPS strike continues. “Management personnel who’ve replaced the truckers are a little rusty,” says Alan Ray. “Some of them haven’t crushed a package in years.”

* “The post office is inundated,” says Jerry Perisho. “For a short while, they even thought about opening a second window.”

* “Thanks to another powerful, independent labor force, the strike will not affect any deliveries from the stork.” (Church)

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Life on Mir: A new crew took off for the damaged Mir space station. “Now you know how bad living conditions are in Russia. People are volunteering to live on Mir.” (Daily Scoop)

* “Like top athletes in the U.S., successful cosmonauts earn incentive bonuses,” says Church. “Similarly, the cosmonaut who accidentally pulled the plug on the Mir will be traded to the New York Jets.”

* “I wouldn’t get my hopes up for a successful repair. One of the new cosmonauts is Tim Allenov.” (Paul Ecker)

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True Love: Kelsey Grammer married Camille Donatacci during the weekend,” says the Daily Scoop. “So if you see a Viper with the words ‘Just Married’ on the window, pull over.”

Reader Barry Gold was looking at the real estate section of the paper one day, sitting with his 4-year-old son, Daniel. He let out a “wow” concerning a great house being advertised, causing Daniel to ask how much it cost. Gold told him told him $1.45 million. Replied Daniel:

“That’s not so much, except for the million part.”