A Tough Role to Fill

A lot of fighting is going on over what one authority calls “one of the great myths of the late 20th century--that fathering has radically changed.”

“Don’t get me wrong, fathering certainly has changed. And many fathers have changed,” says Jay Belsky, distinguished professor of human development at Pennsylvania State University. “But there are still many men out there whose involvement, especially in the early years, is, if you would, perfunctory. And that statement is not meant to slander anybody. It’s just descriptive.”

It’s a mistake to confuse the “transforming families” with all families, Belsky says. “And I think it’s done all the time. And I think it creates lots of difficulties for men, women and children.”

The problem: “unmet rising expectations.” Mothers, for example, may expect more of fathers than fathers at this point are about to give.

Belsky’s new book, “Transition to Parenthood” (Dell), shows some of the fallout.

Recent research by Belsky and colleagues, reported in the Journal of Family Psychology, rated father involvement by studying fathers and their 15-month-old sons in their homes. In all the 69 families in the study, the parents were married couples raising their firstborn children.

By observing the fathers with the toddlers--the researchers came around dinner time, the most hectic time of the day--researchers found four categories that would describe what dads do:

* Caretaking--tending to the basic physical needs of the child, such as diapering, feeding, soothing.

* Playing--having fun playing run and chase games, physical play such as swinging the child and the like.

* Teaching--showing and labeling objects, reading to the child, showing how to do things.

* Disciplining--not only reprimanding but encouraging good behavior.

The researchers also found four categories of dads. The majority were in either the “disciplinarian” or “disengaged” categories, which hew to the old school.

The others--”caretaking” and “playmate-teacher”--were in the minority. The caretaking group numbered nine men. The playmate-teachers, who seemed to be having the most fun, numbered 12. There were 18 disciplinarians and 30 disengaged fathers.

The traditional dad seems to be, Belsky says, “in one sense the uninvolved dad who is behind the paper, out of the room, in the garage--he always has something to do besides be with the kids or around the kids.

“But then there’s a kind of father who is not quite different, but he’ll interrupt what he’s doing to say ‘stop it, do this’ or ‘do that.’ At least at the child’s young age, he wasn’t all that involved.”

The caretaking dads and the disciplinarians seem “to get dragged in by child demands--he’s got a wet diaper; he needs a nap; he’s crying; he’s getting into something.”

The playmate-teachers, though, “are jumping in willingly, readily and participating.”

He guesses, though, that among the traditional dads are guys who, “if you ask them, say they’ll get involved when the kids are older”

It’s not as if there’s a good group of dads and a bad group, Belsky says. The categories are observations, not value judgments. But the traditional approach might be considered “bad,” he says, in the sense “that children want more than this from their dads.”

On the other hand, disciplinarians scored highest on neuroticism--”the tendency to be anxious, depressed, hostile.” Second-highest were the disengaged guys. So some kids may be better off not even getting discipline at this early age from their dads.

“But if push came to shove, as long as the discipline is not truly hostile, the kid’s better off with that than nothing. Because that sends the message, ‘I’m paying some attention.’ And the kid takes that as, ‘Daddy notices me. I matter.’ ”

So there is change, but rare is the family in which the roles of mother and father are somewhat interchangeable.

“I think one of the things we have going on culturally is a slow, gradual, noteworthy and real change in fathering,” Belsky says.

But those rising expectations--that change is going to be quicker and greater than it turns out to be--”engenders real dismay and difficulty in families.”