Etiquette Guides Aim to Make the Nasty ‘90s a Kinder, Gentler Time

About to send a passionate declaration of love on e-mail, post a printed sympathy card to a close friend or even skewer a cherry tomato with your fork?

Wondering whether to hold the door for your boss, how to tell your parents you’ve moved in with your boyfriend or if a letter with a LOVE postage stamp is too forward?

Now you can consult not only Emily Post and Miss Manners but an array of new books designed to help unravel the mysteries of late-20th-century niceties.

For those daunted by the mere mention of the word “etiquette,” relax. Even Emily Post, the doyenne of etiquette gurus, experienced an embarrassing moment or two.

At a large banquet, she spilled cranberries on her dress--”I’m a human being, not a robot,” she pointed out when chided--and on another occasion her turn-of-the-century bloomers dropped on a Broadway pavement. She calmly retrieved them and stuffed them in her handbag.

“A lot of people think etiquette is all about fancy dining-table settings or being very formal or about white gloves or protocol,” said Peggy Post, great-granddaughter-in-law of Emily Post. “But it’s really a code of behavior based on being thoughtful and considerate.”

Post, who just updated “Emily Post’s Etiquette” for its 75th-anniversary edition, said just because people no longer employ large household staffs, serve seven-course dinners or curtsy and bow doesn’t mean they don’t need to practice good manners.

In fact, etiquette experts say Americans need to learn about the social graces more than they have in a long time.

“There’s a lot of nastiness around. People don’t hold in the nastiness anymore,” said Letitia Baldrige, whose latest offering is “More Than Manners: Raising Today’s Kids to Have Kind Hearts and Good Manners.”

“Look at the way people drive their cars . . . the body language when they push past each other on streets and getting out of buses and subways, the not caring who you hit and where your elbow goes,” she said.

Baldrige said the disintegration of the family unit is largely to blame for Americans’ laissez-faire attitude toward manners.

“Parents don’t see that their children don’t know how to hold their knife and fork properly,” she said. “Parents don’t see that their children don’t say ‘thank you’ when they go to somebody else’s house.”

Rules governing the social graces have changed since Emily Post published her book in 1922. Peggy Post added two new chapters to the 16th edition. One deals with doing business internationally, the other with religious services.

She also has expanded the computer, wedding and telephone sections with such reminders as, “E-mail is not . . . confidential usually,” “Think about other peoples’ customs,” and “Call-waiting is a great feature, but it also can be offensive if not used politely.”

In addition, Post has reversed old faux pas. For example, wearing white or black to a wedding is OK as long as the white outfit doesn’t outshine the bride’s and the black dress isn’t terribly funereal.

Mary Mitchell, author of “The Complete Idiot’s Guide to Etiquette,” has tips on handshakes--”Don’t rock or sway. Handshaking is not a tango”--cosmetic surgery--”Never tell a person he or she is crazy to have” had it--and personal trainers--”Don’t . . . control the workout session.”

Mitchell, who trains hundreds of corporate executives and employees in interpersonal skills each year, recalled a case that demonstrates the importance of learning about other cultures.

Many guests at a Washington hotel complained that the hotel and its staff were cold and unfriendly.

The problem? About 90% of the housekeeping staff were Asians, and in their cultures, looking someone in the eye, smiling and saying “Welcome” would have been showing disrespect.

“So they’d avert their eyes in deference, but they just didn’t understand the American translation,” she said.

And if you’re about to send that passionate e-mail message, don’t. Like condolence notes, expressions of love should be written. Cherry tomatoes are eaten with fingers except when served in a salad or other dish.

As for the boyfriend, Peggy Post recommends sending your parents a note explaining the importance of the relationship to you. Opening doors? Mitchell says whoever reaches it first opens it and goes through it. If you’re in the company of a senior executive, allow him to reach the door first to avoid the door-holding dilemma.

And what about that LOVE stamp?

“When in doubt, don’t,” recommends Mitchell, a caveat that “works for LOVE stamps, short skirts and tight pants.”