Punch Lines

Dialing for Donors: Former President Bush says he never raised campaign money over White House office phones. “And we know Vice President Quayle didn’t. He never quite got the hang of that dial-9-to-get-an-outside-line thing.” (Argus Hamilton)

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Got Tut? French archeologists have uncovered the tomb of the nurse who breast-fed King Tut. “The milk industry has already licensed the hieroglyphic illustration of the boy king sitting on his nurse’s lap wearing a milk mustache.” (Premiere Radio)

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‘Til Some Hunk Do We Part: “The other night on pay-per-view they showed ‘The English Patient’ and ‘Bridges of Madison County’ back to back. You know what I love? Every woman you talk to who saw these movies says: ‘Oh, “The English Patient” was so romantic. She was so in love.’ And, ‘Oh, in “Bridges of Madison County,” Meryl Streep was so in love . . . it was so romantic.’ Isn’t there some kind of double standard here? In both movies, you have married women committing adultery, but to women, these were great romantic love stories. I didn’t see any women going, ‘Oh, poor Frank Gifford. Torn between Kathie Lee and the flight attendant. What a lovely story. He loved them both.’ ” (Jay Leno)

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World Noose Tonight: News anchor Peter Jennings recently married longtime girlfriend Kayce Freed. “He apparently read his vows from a TelePrompTer: ‘This just in . . . I do.’ ” (Premiere Radio)

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Masters and Johnson--and Morton’s: “Recent studies reveal that in humans, the craving for salt is as strong as the craving for sex. See? All this time, you thought guys were going to singles bars to pick up women? Uh-uh. They’re there for the peanuts.” (Leno)

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What About Carl’s Jr., Too? Douglas Fairbanks Jr. celebrated his 88th birthday this week. “Shouldn’t there be a time limit on adding ‘Jr.’ to your name? At 88, are people still confusing him with his dad?” (Leno)

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