Funny How Life Floats By, Especially In This Parade

“Good morning. Welcome to the 1998 Tournament of Roses parade.

“Our first float is the beautiful Golden State Warrior entry. Ten thousand yellow roses. On top, two women from the Oakland Chamber of Commerce reenact one of 1997’s most memorable moments, the historic choking of Coach P.J. Carlesimo by his player, Latrell Sprewell. Well done, ladies! Very believable.

“Now, here comes the interesting Mighty Ducks of Anaheim float. Those are six actual Mighty Ducks, dressed up like Xena, the Warrior Princess, singing our national anthem. Keep those shields up, men!

“Here’s Mayor Riordan, riding a full-scale model of our L.A. Memorial Coliseum. Hi, mayor! Ten thousand tulips spell out the words: ‘NFL: PLAY HERE OR DROP DEAD.’ Ouch. You tell ‘em, Dick.

“Look, it’s the Rolling Stones, Mick, Keith, the whole band, playing inside the Coliseum, just the way they did back in 1932!

“Grand Marshall Carol Burnett waves to her many fans now. Carol keeps pulling on her ear, an obvious takeoff on the hilarious Mike Tyson incident. Oops! A piece came off, there, Carol.

“Next in line is a float representing the Dallas Cowboys’ football team. Better duck, because here comes Six-Gun Barry Switzer, riding shotgun. Uh oh. Freeze, mister.

“From New York comes this charming re-creation of the U.S. Open tennis tournament at Arthur Ashe Stadium, and the crash between opponents Venus Williams and Irina Spirlea on the sideline. Don’t worry, these two third-graders portraying Venus and Irina really don’t hate each other’s guts! That empty chair atop the float belongs to dad Richard Williams, who couldn’t be with us today. He’s too busy.

“Here are Roberto Alomar and Bill Romanowski, spitting rose buds at one another. Very funny! Spray it with flowers.

“Well, hang on. Here comes director James Cameron’s long-awaited $200-million float, ‘Clipper.’ Watch the way it sinks, instantly! According to the Clipper organization, there are more than 10,000 people on this float. Funny, we count only around 4,000.

“Next we have the University of Southern California marching band, minus its drum major, whose director fired him just before Christmas, by leaving a message on his answering machine.

“One of 1998’s grand-prize winners is the Hanes Underwear float, featuring basketball’s Michael Jordan! Mike, you look great, as always. And with him are spokesmodels Dennis and Marv, on behalf of Lady Hanes.

“Through a make-believe window, made entirely of flowers and papier-mache, watch this Orlando, Fla., dummy go flying. We call this our ‘Through a Glass, Barkley’ float.

“Get ready to be impressed by the University of Michigan’s fife and drum corps, featuring Charles Woodson on fife and drum.

“With his dad carrying a banner that reads THE CHOSEN ONE, here comes Tiger Woods, carrying a staff and parting the Red Sea.

“The New York Yankees, represented here today by pitcher Hideki Irabu and front-office executive George Costanza, have a 1997 entry that is a very big deal about absolutely nothing.

“We turn now to the Florida Marlins’ championship float, which is being dismantled, piece by piece, rose by rose, by its owner. Well, some flowers do smell sweet, while other flowers simply smell.

“Bringing up the rear, very large heavyweight boxer George Foreman rides a very large float co-sponsored by two products that George endorses, the George Foreman hamburger grill, which removes the fat, and Doritos, which don’t.

“And here’s Rupert Murdoch, who just bought the Rose Bowl while he happened to be in the neighborhood. Happy New Year.”