Laugh Lines

“Just think, last Monday if you had taken all your money out of the stock market and put it on the Chicago Bears, today you’d be a millionaire.” (Jay Leno)

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“China’s president, Jiang Zemin, visited the U.S. last week. A screening of ‘Seven Years in Tibet’ was not on his itinerary.” (Cutler Daily Scoop)

“Hollywood is upset that China conquered and annexed Tibet,” says Argus Hamilton. “Of course, Mexico gave California to the U.S. in 1848 simply because we’re such great guys.”

After a dinner, President Clinton invited Jiang to visit our Great Wall--the Republican-led Congress.” (Bob Mills)

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Vice President Al Gore completed his first 26-mile marathon last Sunday. It really is a first, says Steve Voldseth. “It was the longest anyone in the Clinton administration has gone in the same direction since they took office.”

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NBA star Charles Barkley was arrested outside an Orlando, Fla., bar and charged with aggravated battery. “If convicted, he could do five years of community service working for a nonprofit organization like the Clippers,” says Jerry Perisho.

“Barkley allegedly threw a guy through a window. That guy is lucky Shaquille O’Neal didn’t throw him. He would have missed the window completely, hit the wall.” (Leno)

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“Last week’s million-woman march has made an impact in Philadelphia,” says Joe Kevany. “The place is already a whole lot cleaner.”

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“The Marlins won a World Series after just five years of existence. The Cubs haven’t won a series in 89 years. Maybe they should change their name to the Chicago Carp,” suggests Alex Kaseberg.

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To show you how much the stock market dropped, Microsoft went down so much Bill Gates can no longer afford his plan to buy the Justice Department and fire Janet Reno.” (Kaseberg)

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Four hundred doctors employed by Amerihealth in New Jersey are trying to be the first to form a union and bargain collectively with the HMO. “They’re already picketing company headquarters,” says Mills, “but nobody can read their signs.”

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“President Clinton tripped boarding his helicopter,” says the Daily Scoop. “Doctors checked to see if he had re-injured his knee. Parapsychologists checked to see if he was channeling Jerry Ford.”

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“Poor Dan Quayle had a nightmare recently. He dreamed Ellen kissed Murphy Brown.” (Russ Myers)

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“Rolling Stone magazine just turned 30 years old--or, as they call it, one third of a Jagger.” (Voldseth)

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Reader Steve Smith’s 4-year-old son, Roy, was giving a slice of wrapped American cheese to his friend Marissa, also 4. As he took off the plastic wrapper for her, he said, “If you fold it two times, you’ll get more pieces.”