Laugh Lines

* Sigourney Weaver’s character Ellen Ripley returns from the dead to star in “Alien Resurrection.” In the next sequel, they will attempt to revive Demi Moore’s career. (Alex Kaseberg)

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* Kenny G plans to set a world record by holding one note for 15 minutes. If that sounds like a long time, try taking an elevator ride with his music. (Camille Brewster)

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* Sondra Locke, the former longtime girlfriend of Clint Eastwood, has written a book called “The Good, the Bad and the Very Ugly.” It’s her account of negotiations at Spago. (Gary Easley)

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* The Justice Department reports that up to 10% of all telemarketing calls are illegal or fraudulent. The other 90% are AT&T; asking you to switch back. (J.C. Arroyo)

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* Janet Reno said in an interview that after she leaves government, her plans are to “drive around the country in a pickup truck with nothing but a cooler, a stove and a cot in back.” Gee, that sounds more like Bill Clinton’s plans. (Steve Voldseth)

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* The Japanese stock market tumble is already having an economic effect. The other day, Toyota announced it would lay off 3,000 robots. (Arroyo)

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* Washington Redskins quarterback Gus Frerotte suffered a sprained neck when he celebrated a touchdown by head-butting a stadium wall. That’s almost as dumb, says the Cutler Daily Scoop, as jumping into the stands in Philadelphia.

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* Mike Ditka says he isn’t quitting as coach of the Saints--”I’ll stay here till they run me out of this town.” In other words: He’ll be home for Christmas. (Daily Scoop)

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* After 15 years of competition, the American-born sumo wrestler known as Konishiki has announced his retirement. The 600-pound athlete said he no longer has the stomach for the sport. (Ira Lawson)

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* Coffee, in the Army’s diet since the Civil War, is being replaced in some field rations with instant cider. Worse yet, canned beans are being replaced with instant quiche. (Bill Williams)

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* Several airlines have limited passengers’ carry-on luggage to one bag, a briefcase or a purse. Given the choice, a business traveler chose to keep his laptop and say goodbye to his wife. (Bob Mills)

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* Newsweek magazine is being criticized for artificially whitening the teeth of septuplet mom Bobbi McCaughey. “I saw the photo. Vanna White’s job is secure.” (Jerry Perisho)

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