Hits and Misses and Teams Called Wizards

Another NBA season, a new mess of slam dunks. . . .

The Washington Wizards will play so well, nearly everyone in town will understand the good karma that comes from changing an insensitive or offensive nickname. . . .

Everyone except the Redskins. . . .

Gheorghe Muresan will again dance on an ESPN commercial, and I will again kick myself for missing it. . . .

Bo Outlaw will give the Orlando Magic much-needed heart. . . .

Julius Erving will give them much-needed class. . . .

Penny Hardaway will give them a shooting guard who can help them challenge again. . . .

Surprise team in the Western Conference will be the Timberwolves. . . .

Stanley Roberts loves those big sweater towns. . . .

Scottie Pippen will return from an ankle injury just in time to miss the nationally televised Christmas Day game against the Miami Heat. . . .

Alonzo Mourning will be there. . . .

After three games, the Dallas Mavericks will order Dennis Scott to undergo an MRI exam to determine whether the rage inside him is accompanied by a brain or heart. . . .

You’ll know which referee will be targeted by the IRS next; he’ll be the one arriving late to a game because his train was delayed. . . .

The league’s sad, makeup-streaked diva will wake up one morning, fail to find his name in any newspaper, and just melt. . . .

Dennis Rodman should have checked this one. . . .

The Chicago Bulls will hire Dean Smith as a consultant. . . .

Well, OK, Michael Jordan will hire him. . . .

Sometime in mid-December, a game will be stopped to honor a player who has taken the court without tattoos. . . .

Keith Van Horn of the New Jersey Nets will win rookie of the year. . . .

Not bad for a guy whom Coach John Calipari will refer to as a “Dumb Mormon.” . . .

One day before the Bulls play the Lakers at the Forum on Feb. 1, Luc Longley will hit Redondo Beach to surf El Nino. . . .

Del Harris will drive him. . . .

“El Nino?” Elden Campbell will say later while signing Longley’s cast. “I thought that was just another over-publicized blowhard.”

Come Jan. 1, a Florida State quarterback will emerge as a star. . . .

His name is Charlie Ward. . . .

Allen Iverson will average five fewer points, and the Philadelphia 76ers will win 15 more games. . . .

One of those guys in those bars will finally stay sober enough to beat the snot out of loser Charles Barkley. . . .

There won’t be a wet eye in the house. . . .

We will receive a handful of letters from readers complaining that we don’t understand poor Charles. . . .

These same readers, Barkley wouldn’t think twice about throwing through a plate glass window. . . .

Shaquille O’Neal, Shaq, Diesel, Enrico Gates, all those guys will win MVP. . . .

And Chick Hearn will still call him, “Shaq O’Neal.” . . .

The average Clipper fan during the average Sports Arena game will change seats more often than Brent Barry attempts shots. . . .

Malik Sealy, who told the media it was “good to be back in the NBA” when he left the Clippers for the Detroit Pistons, will discover that in this new league, he is a stiff.

At midseason, Rick Pitino will hold a Boston news conference to announce, “I have absolutely no idea what I am doing.” . . .

Pitino will then sign Jack Givens for three years, $15 million. . . .

Chauncey Billups will be a Celtic rookie bust. . . .

Travis Knight, still despondent after being forced to take $22 million and become a starter, will be a different player without Shaq.

An average one. . . .

The Utah Jazz will spend the entire season in first place, and its whiny fans will still claim that nobody in the country gives them any respect. . . .

The Jazz don’t have a chance of returning to the finals. . . .

Tim Duncan will be huge in San Antonio. . . .

Bobby Jackson will be bigger in Denver. . . .

Bobby Phills will be impossible to find in Charlotte. . . .

Sometime in mid-February, a game will be stopped to honor a young star who arrived at the arena without a posse. . . .

You thought he was a baby before, wait until Shawn Kemp realizes he has traded the Space Needle and Mt. Rainier for Danny Ferry and Zydrunas Ilgauskas. . . .

Back in Seattle, Vin Baker will be as popular as smugness. . . .

A two-month investigation by the Salt Lake Tribune will reveal that Greg Ostertag is really Bryant Reeves. . . .

Come January, Mitch Richmond will be looking mighty fine in gold. . . .

The Hawks will win a higher percentage of their games at Georgia Tech than at the Georgia Dome. . . .

The Clippers will win a higher percentage of their games at the Pond of Anaheim than at the Sports Arena. . . .

Terrell Brandon will be the best player nobody has ever heard of. . . .

Except if you’ve never heard of Latrell Sprewell. . . .

By the time Danny Ainge and Kevin Johnson get through with Jason Kidd, he might actually be a star. . . .

The NBA will make an All-Star game trophy presentation to anyone who can name the starting five of the Vancouver Grizzlies. . . .

Or the coach of the Toronto Raptors. . . .

Or Rick Fox’s dramatic credits. . . .

If the Lakers don’t advance past the second round of the playoffs, Harris will be fired. . . .

Charlotte’s David Wesley will be merely another Chris Childs. . . .

Larry Bird will be merely another Magic Johnson. . . .

Marv Albert will still not be sorry. . . .

Robin Ficker will be heard.