‘Low-Fat Halloween’

You readers are simply frightening.

It’s spooky how many of you--5,626 to be exact--have bizarre enough imaginations to submit entries to our fifth annual Halloween scary story contest. And, yes, blood-draining as it was, we closely eyeballed each and every one.

Oh, the gore, the guts, the annoying sisters who meet deservedly bitter ends, the green zombies who masquerade as elementary schoolteachers, the outer space guys who turn little boys into ground meat (yes, bones and all).

Martha Stewart moves to our house!

Christmas season presents Tickle Me Donny Osmond dolls!

Marv Albert asks, “Do you have that in a 40 short?”

Stop, stop, stop. Life in Southern California is scary enough.

Well, here are the winners--four adults and four children in the writing category, and an adult and a child in the drawing category. These lucky 10 each win four tickets to Disneyland.

Here are a few samples from those who didn’t make it:

Understatement of the Pile: “Two years ago there was a boy named Max. He was not very nice. He robbed an old lady. He felt bad. So did the old lady.”

Best Last Line: “It’s been a year since Scott’s death. I’m sad about this tragedy, but at least I’m popular.”

Call David Letterman: “It would be a scary Halloween this year when . . . your mother generously volunteered to provide entertainment (defined as singing and doing the polka) at the annual school dance.”

Take me to Funkytown: “The Boogie Man wore a white polyester suit and a gold chain around his neck. . . . Gerald could feel the life drain out of him as he was compelled to do the Disco Duck and then the Hustle.”

And now the winners:

It’s getting to be that time of year again. Time for children to pick out costumes and scary masks to wear on their Halloween escapades. For most, it is a night of harmless tricks and sweet treats. However, I recall one Halloween that was like no other.

I had just finished trick or treating with four good friends. We all went through our candy and made the ceremonial trades for the candy we liked. Before long, my friends went home, and I was left by myself in my house. My parents had gone to their 20-year high school reunion, and trusted me to stay alone and take care of the house. I decided that I was going to call it a night because I was tired from all the walking I did earlier that night. I climbed into bed and shut off the lights. I looked at my dark ceiling and saw shadows cast by tree limbs on it. I laughed because it looked kind of like a big claw. My eyes closed and soon I was fast asleep.

I awoke the next morning feeling refreshed, but lazy as well. I looked at the small wooden table in my room where my candy had been sitting, but to my surprise, it was not there. Oh, well, I had probably left it on the kitchen counter.

I got up and walked downstairs to fix myself some breakfast. I opened the refrigerator and moved the cans of diet soda and the tub of “low-cal” butter. As I looked closer, I noticed that everything was “diet” this, or “nonfat” that. I whirled around just in time to see the pantry door fly open and a pale figure float out! “No, it couldn’t be,” I thought to myself. However, it was in fact the ghost of Jenny Craig. She had come to replace all our regular food with her own dietary supplemental meals! I let out a blood-curdling scream as she drifted closer and closer. She grabbed me by the throat and shoved a “light” brownie with NutraSweet into my mouth. I yelled, “Nooo! I’m only a 100-pound seventh-grader. Nooooo!”

I still remember that day as if it were only yesterday. I still weigh only 100 pounds and am 30 years old, because the ghost of Jenny Craig would come back to haunt me if I gained even one more pound.

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* Brian, 17, is a senior at St. Bonaventure High School in Ventura.