Punch Lines

And How: The rush to make films out of old television favorites is quickly drying up the possibilities. “The major studios are down to bickering over the rights to the old test pattern.” (LaMonte Laments)

Gory Story: A California worker is suing Pacific Bell because she was pinned against a cabinet by a robot. “The White House took the news in stride. Everyone figured Al Gore would want his own sex scandal sooner or later.” (Argus Hamilton)

The Big Deal: “I tried checking out the movie ‘The Negotiator’ over the weekend, but I couldn’t seem to talk down the price from adult to student rate.” (Andrew Wisot)

Titanic Achievement: The crew aboard a research ship has successfully raised a 20-ton piece of the Titanic’s hull to the ocean surface. “For their next monumental task, the crew will attempt to raise Kenneth Starr’s approval ratings.” (Joshua Sostrin)

Time Flies: “Monica Lewinsky testified that one time the president made love to her for one hour and five minutes. It was the night they moved the clocks up.” (Hamilton)

Say What?: Former Det. Mark Fuhrman has a new career as a successful author. “At first he tried to write rap music, but his vocabulary just wasn’t good enough.” (Laments)

The Mess on the Dress: “Monica Lewinsky’s dress is going to a second lab for more testing, and then off to do a full hour on the Larry King show.” (David Letterman)

Royal Pain: A controversial new book about Princess Diana’s death claims Queen Elizabeth was concerned about retrieving any royal jewels the princess may have had when she died. “On the bright side, millions of women around the world now have a newfound appreciation for their own mothers-in-law.” (Sostrin)

It’s Mine: Last week, actor John Goodman opened his own restaurant in Louisiana. “It’s not open to the public. He just wanted his own restaurant.” (Jay Leno)

Shaq Attack: Shaquille O’Neil has a message for children--”If Shaq can use technology, anyone can.” “Kids are now lining up at his house to ask if they can use his computer.” (Joe Kevany)

Double Duty: The Methodist Church will punish ministers who perform same-sex marriage ceremonies. “There’s also the law to consider. In West Virginia, same-sex marriages are illegal, unless the couple can prove they are related.” (Hamilton)

*

SEND US A LINE: Got a joke? Send it to Laugh Lines by fax, (213) 237-0732, or mail, Life & Style, Los Angeles Times, Times Mirror Square, Los Angeles, CA 90053.