Punch Lines

Row Your Boat: The record for crossing the Pacific Ocean from Japan to San Francisco was shattered over the weekend when a French sailboat completed the trip in 14 days, two days faster than the old record. “The skipper of the Explorer credits favorable winds, a highly trained crew and no bathroom on board the boat.” (Ira Lawson)

A Smoky Role: Mike Wallace is challenging a movie based on the canceled segment of “60 Minutes” about a tobacco industry whistle-blower. “It’s not the story that upsets Wallace; it’s the fact he’s being portrayed by a cadaver.” (Chris Pina)

Special Guest: Roseanne, who’s launching a daytime talk show, told George magazine that the Unabomber would make an interesting guest. “If that’s true, then wouldn’t a perfect guest be the king of bombs, her ex, Tom Arnold?” (Andrew Wisot)

Straight Shooter: “I must give President Clinton credit. He didn’t cheat on Hillary once during his whole address to the nation.” (Jay Leno)

The Manson Mission: Wal-Mart, Kmart and Target say they won’t sell Marilyn Manson’s new album. “This will save Marilyn Manson fans the embarrassment of actually being seen in a Kmart.” (Premiere Radio)

Spaced-Out: Astronomers announced they have found half the universe. “Universes are always in the last place you look.” (Premiere)

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David Letterman’s Top 10:

Top 10 Things Overheard Outside “How Stella Got Her Groove Back”:

10. “I hope I never lose my groove.”

9. “I knew she’d get her groove back, but I couldn’t believe how she got her groove back.”

8. “I’ve seen movies with groove-back-getting, but that was the groove-back-gettingest movie I’ve ever seen.”

7. “Robin Williams was so funny as the voice of the groove.”

6. “She got her groove back, but I want my $9 back.”

5. “This is the exact reason why I write my name inside my groove.”

4. “What do you mean, ‘Saving Private Ryan’ is sold out?”

3. “Turns out her groove was under the sofa cushion the whole time.”

2. “Hey, Stella! I’ve got your groove right here!”

1. “Am I the only white guy here?”

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