Punch Lines

The Revengers: The terrorist group Muslims Against Global Oppression has claimed responsibility for the bombing of a Planet Hollywood in South Africa. “Hollywood struck back immediately. Producers shipped them 100,000 copies of ‘The Postman’ and ‘The Avengers.’ ” (Bill Williams)

Taken by Storm: Some people in the path of Hurricane Bonnie wouldn’t evacuate. “I don’t know if they’re out to sea, but they’re certainly out to lunch.” (Premiere Radio)

Publicists Confirm: Leonardo DiCaprio has undergone knee surgery to repair old damage from a basketball injury. “Forget the hurricane, we need around-the-clock coverage!” (Premiere)

Striking Out: Northwest Airlines has canceled more than 400 flights because of a pilots’ strike. “As an accommodation to the 25,000 passengers holding canceled tickets, Northwest has offered to deliver one item of luggage to any city where they don’t want it to go.” (Bob Mills)

Read My Lips: Political leaders have come out against Pacific Bell’s proposed rate hike to $1.10 for a directory assistance call. “They also want to remind us that taxes are not tax deductible.” (Gary Easley)

Getting Smoked: The tobacco industry is facing increasing attacks that it stifled development of a “safer” cigarette. “Tobacco companies actually tried hard to develop a safer cigarette, but their efforts failed when they couldn’t agree on what flavor to make its candy center.” (Joshua Sostrin)

News at 11: Criticism over the news coverage of the President Clinton scandal lessens. “Half of those polled rated coverage excellent or good. The rest were busy putting their reports together for the evening news.” (Kenny Noble Cortes)

Enhancements: An English professor made history by becoming the first man to have a silicon computer chip surgically implanted in his body. “Big deal, women have had silicon implants for years.” (Paul Steinberg)

It’s My Party: “Last Thursday was Macaulay Culkin’s 18th birthday. Apparently, he spent a romantic evening celebrating around town with just his wife and their fake IDs.” (Conan O’Brien)

Phantom of the Subway: Scientists have reported the discovery of a new species of mosquito that lives its entire life in London’s underground subway system. “Already, there are reports that Andrew Lloyd Webber is working on a musical based on them.” (Mills)

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