Percentage of Zero Is Still Zero, Except to the IRS

My favorite holiday stories over the years have always involved those little scamps from the Internal Revenue Service. The IRS as a Scrooge. The IRS as a Grinch. The IRS as a lawyer, like the one from “Miracle on 34th Street” who set out to prove poor Kris Kringle to be as nutty as Mrs. Claus’ fruitcake.

Nobody tells a happy IRS tale. It’s always a grim one that depicts the IRS as a heartless meanie. If O. Henry had written a different ending to his classic story, the IRS would have investigated that woman who sold her hair for not declaring it as income. Or else the IRS would have audited the original Magi for trying to write off their gifts to the baby Jesus as a business expense.

It just isn’t fair. I’m sure that in real life, the IRS has employees who are as warm and fuzzy as a Furby. My hunch is that people who work for the IRS do not go around yanking the arms off Barbie dolls or setting fire to snowmen. Only some of them. I met an IRS guy once. He was a perfectly nice man who shook my hand, kicked my cat and left.

OK, I shouldn’t joke with the IRS.

You mess with the IRS, they’ll send a couple of guys named Rocco and Spike over to your house next April to take a little external revenue out of you.

On the other hand . . .

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A story surfaced this week that the IRS is attempting to collect $6,546,253 from a delinquent tax ower. It ain’t nice to owe the IRS $6.5 million and change, let me tell you. Do you know how long it takes to make that kind of money? Why, a Dodger pitcher would have to pitch at least two games.

I can’t imagine owing the IRS this much in back taxes. I can only picture myself writing a personal check for $253, with a note attached: “Will send you the remaining $6,546,000 ASAP.”

I’d have to ask the IRS for an extension, so I could pay later in ’99. Like, say, April 15, 2099.

Therefore, these folks who do owe the IRS 6 1/2 mil, they’d better put themselves on a strict budget. Belts will be worn tighter this year.

There’s a catch, though.

The ower has explained to the owee that there’s a reason the $6.5 million hasn’t been paid yet. You see, the money being taxed is a $12-million judgment awarded to the estate of the late Nicole Brown Simpson, ex-wife of O.J., in a civil case following her murder.

So far, of that $12-million O.J. IOU, the estate has been paid . . . let’s see . . . bring down the zero . . . carry the 2 . . . multiply . . .

Yes, it comes to exactly $0.00.

O.J. actually owes a whopping total of $33.5 million, but he claims to be broke, and you can’t squeeze blood from a turnip.

Murder victim Ron Goldman’s mother and father also have money due them, of which they’ll have to give back 55%. But according to my math, 55% of nothing is nothing. O.J. Simpson apparently won’t be sticking any of that $33.5 million in cash inside a Hallmark card addressed to the Brown and Goldman families this holiday season. And, with luck, he won’t come down their chimneys.

Nicole’s father and trust administrator, Louis Brown, has been trying to explain to the IRS that he would be absolutely delighted to forward the government its piece of the $12-million pie, if only somebody would send him the pie.

Brown says he told the IRS, “IRS, you’re nuts.”

Strong language, but when you’re given 90 days to pay off a $6,546,253 debt on an income of $0.00, you know, you can go a little nuts yourself.

I can picture what happens next:

* “Dear Mr. Brown: We are not nuts. Send us the $6,546,253. Sincerely, the IRS.”

* “Dear IRS: Are too nuts. We can’t send what we don’t have. Sincerely, Louis Brown.”

* “Dear Mr. Brown: A likely story. Failure to remit payment could result in our seizing your assets. Sincerely, the IRS.”

* “Dear IRS: O.J. owes us. Seize HIM. Sincerely, Louis Brown.”

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I have always wondered when and how O.J. Simpson was supposed to come up with this $33.5 million that a civil jury told him to fork over.

What was he going to do--go into his yard, dig up a secret stash of cash and say, “Here you go! There’s only $30 million here, but is it OK if I just sell a couple of trophies and mail you the rest?”

The IRS should send him a note:

“If a jury doesn’t acquit, you must remit.”

Until then, Nicole’s estate doesn’t have $6,546,253 to give the IRS within 90 days. But I know the IRS has a heart. I bet they won’t have the Browns or Goldmans arrested for at least 120 days.

Mike Downey’s column appears Sundays, Wednesdays and Fridays. Write to him at Times Mirror Square, Los Angeles 90053, or e-mail mike.downey@latimes.com