Warning: These Labels Are Serious

A roundup of unusual news stories:

Stupid Warning Label Awards: “Remove your child before folding the baby stroller” is the winner of this year’s Wacky Warning Label Contest, sponsored by a Michigan group to point out the ridiculous lengths to which companies go to avoid lawsuits.

Runners-up in the Michigan Lawsuit Abuse Watch contest included:

* A sleeping-pill prescription warning that the drug may cause drowsiness.

* A fireplace-lighter caution against using the device near fire, flame or sparks.

* A laser-printer cartridge warning people not to eat the toner.

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Guns Don’t Kill People, Sketches Kill People: North Carolina police are looking for a man who robbed a bank by drawing a small handgun on the holdup note he gave to a teller.

No real weapon was seen during the robbery, but the teller decided not to take chances. “It was a good drawing,” police said.

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Eau de Subway: Paris subway officials have a new weapon in their longtime fight against foul odors in the underground rail system--a perfume called Madeleine.

Although commuters might think body odor and mechanical smells are the main culprits behind the Metro’s pungent air, the No. 1 villain is the rotting of tiny bacteria trapped in concrete at the time the system was built.

It’s been a problem since the Metro opened its first line in 1900. A variety of perfumes have been tried since the 1920s, including Francine, which was tested in 1993. It combined lavender, eucalyptus and mint, but generated more passenger complaints than praise.

The latest perfume relies on titanium dioxide, a powder used in suntan creams that freshens the air when exposed to ultraviolet light.

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Music to Soothe the Savage Swine: Paul Thompson, a Florida hog farmer, is fighting to save the country music that he says soothes his 200 pigs.

The Florida Club, a new upscale development near Thompson’s farm, has sued him over the tunes he blares over loudspeakers to calm the livestock.

“Americans fought and died and bled for the rights we have in this country, and I’m damn sure not giving up any one of them,” said Thompson, who has raised pigs for 41 years in what used to be rural Florida countryside north of Palm Beach.

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Typo of the Week: From an Associated Press story on grammatical and other mistakes spotted by newspaper readers: “23% said they find factual errkrs in the news stories of their daily papers at least once a week.”

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News McNuggets:

* Forty-eight police dogs from New Jersey were given bulletproof vests in a solemn ceremony followed by plenty of bone-chewing.

* On the heels of President Clinton’s impeachment, Japanese Prime Minister Keizo Obuchi--who has been satirized as possessing the charm of a cold pizza--reassured his country that he didn’t have time to cheat on his wife.

* Oetzi the Ice Man, the 5,300-year-old corpse found perfectly preserved in a Tirolean glacier seven years ago, probably used natural laxatives and antibiotics, an Italian doctor said.

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Wide World of Weird is published on Sundays. Off-Kilter runs Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays.