LAUGH LINES

Plan B: Many Americans suspected the timing of the attack on Iraq was simply a distraction reminiscent of the movie “Wag the Dog.” “What else could President Clinton do? Delaying the NBA season wasn’t working.” (Jerry Perisho)

Careful Planning: The White House approved the plan to attack Iraq days before the Muslim holidays because the timing presented the least opportunity for the enemy to prepare. “Sure enough, Republicans were caught completely off-guard.” (Argus Hamilton)

He’s Heard the Call: Clinton is refusing to consider resignation. “For the second time in his life, he’s saying ‘Hell no, I won’t go!’ ” (Premiere Radio)

Tripped Up: Linda Tripp reportedly thinks Monica Lewinsky threatened her before the Paula Jones depositions. “With what, Linda? The knife you put in her back?” (Premiere Radio)

Return Tripp: Linda Tripp is also a witness in a lawsuit stemming from the Filegate matter. “She’s also been a witness in the Vincent Foster matter, the Kathleen Willey matter, the disappearance of Jimmy Hoffa, the Kennedy-Monroe affair, the UFO crash at Roswell, N.M. . . .” (Premiere Radio)

Check the Score: Organizers of the Winter Olympics in Salt Lake City are worried that a scandal surrounding the bidding process may reflect negatively on the state of Utah. “Hey, your best tourist attraction is a huge expanse of undrinkable water and Karl Malone wants out. How much more damage can you do?” (Perisho)

Roll Tape: The NFL rejected instant replay for this season’s playoffs, although six of eight members of the rule-making committee favor bringing it back. “The other two were undecided and wanted to review the videotape before making a decision.” (Kenny Noble Cortes)

Next Stop, Broadway: Bob Dole will star in new TV commercials for Viagra. “It’ll be a good warmup for his next gig as co-star of ‘The Blue Room.’ ” (Zack Taylor)

Medical Mayhem: Doctors in England say they have finally cured a woman who spent years and years having spontaneous, uncontrollable orgasms. “No word yet on how much she plans to sue them for.” (Steve Voldseth)

The Prince and the Pauper: Linda Hamilton has filed for divorce from James Cameron, director of “Titanic.” “Since they live in a community property state, he will only be king of half the world.” (Gary Easley)

Citizens of Tokyo, Flee the City: The Japanese film studio that created Godzilla has said it will resurrect the giant, fire-breathing lizard just three years after killing it off. “Now, if they could only resurrect the public’s interest.” (Chris Pina)

Name That Tune: Paul McCartney says lyrics from “Sgt. Pepper’s Lonely Hearts Club Band” that are to be auctioned were stolen 30 years ago. “Why the fuss over this? Oasis stole his whole act and he didn’t say a thing.” (Premiere Radio)

Got a joke? Send it to Laugh Lines by fax, (213) 237-0732, or mail, Southern California Living, Los Angeles Times, Times Mirror Square, Los Angeles, CA 90053.