Real Guys Don’t Watch Kitsch

There are video guides these days for every conceivable interest group--self-help video guides listing movies to help you through tough times, guides listing movies for people who want to see movies just like other movies they like, books compiling movies that are really cool to watch in altered chemical states, guides helping viewers find really boss nude scenes.

These are all no doubt very helpful and maybe even insightful, but they don’t really serve that silent majority out there--guys who just like to see things blow up real good. Finally, we have not one but two books catering to that audience: “The Manly Movie Guide” by David Everitt and Harold Schechter (Boulevard, $11) and “The Guys’ Guide to Guys’ Videos” by Scott Meyer (Avon, $12).

These books aren’t as exhaustive as, say, Leonard Maltin’s perennial bestseller, but that’s actually a good thing--now, you don’t have to wade through pages of sensitive period melodrama starring Helena Bonham Carter or important, clear-eyed examinations of social issues with Susan Sarandon to discover a lost Jean-Claude Van Damme classic. As these authors understand, guys like things pretty simple.

Here’s a tale of the tape on the two competitors:

Authors: Meyer was once a Philadelphia movie critic. Everitt once edited Fangoria magazine, and his cousin Schechter, though he’s an English professor, has written biographies of serial killers. Edge: “Manly Movie Guide.”

Organization: Each book groups movies by genre, though “Manly Movie Guide” has many subcategories, such as “Manly Movies Nearly Ruined by the Presence of a Woman,” “Movies That Celebrate the Wanton Destruction of Endangered Species,” “Peace-Loving Heroes So Outraged by Violence in Their Communities That They Embark on Blood-Soaked Crusades to Rid the Area of Evil Influences” and “Horror Films That Celebrate the Vital Contribution Women Have Made to Society as Devil-Worshiping Sluts, Homicidal Hookers and the Helpless Victims of Insanely Sadistic Psycho-Killers.” Great titles, but it results in some cross-pollination, so a few movies are listed more than once, which can really confuse a guy. Edge: “Guys’ Guide.”

Completeness: “Guys’ Guide” features lengthy descriptions of plot and casts for each film, but the writing isn’t terribly inspired. “Manly Movies” may not tell you a lot about some of the movies, but more often than not, its descriptions are hilarious. Example: “Bullitt” is barely mentioned, but “if God had meant male characters to talk, He wouldn’t have created Mustang GTs capable of burning rubber up and down the hills of San Francisco” pretty much says it all. Tie.

Fooling-the-Little-Lady index: “Manly Movie Guide” features a brief section on rationalizing movies men want to see to appease a female viewer. For example, if she wants to see a foreign film, you propose “The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly,” “an interesting example of post-neo-realist Italian cinema that grapples with the epistemological question of exactly how many unhygienic lowlifes Clint Eastwood can kill in 2 hours and 40 minutes.” “Guys’ Guide” offers such excuses for almost every movie listed, such as “Frankenhooker,” which “examines the nature of our humanity--very, very closely.” Edge: “Guys’ Guide.”

Critical sensibility: “Guys’ Guide” a little too frequently tries to offer up serious cinematic analysis, while “Manly Movie Guide” does so only in context of a film’s testosterone level, and seems blissfully unaware of the concept of morality and human decency. Of “Platoon,” the authors write, “Though the movie seems [emphasis ours] to raise questions about the wisdom of America’s involvement in Southeast Asia and occasionally portrays apocalyptic violence in a less than appealing light, it is well worth any man’s time and is clearly Oliver Stone’s most two-fisted film.” The book also lists “Natural Born Killers” under the “Romance” category. Edge: “Manly Movie Guide.”

Added bonuses: “Guys’ Guide” rates movies by such criteria as “Cool Cars” and “Babes,” includes a list of “poser” movies to avoid and sprinkles movie-geek factoids throughout. “Manly Movie Guide” features a list of actors in the Manly Movie Hall of Fame, the best manly movies from Hollywood’s golden year of 1939, and includes helpful sidebars such as “The 10 Most/Least Manly Western Titles” and “The Only Manly Merchant Ivory Film.” It also recommends that fathers bond with their children over “Gatorbait II: Cajun Justice,” and takes a stand against potential critics: “We reject allegations of sexism and xenophobia as the vicious propaganda of godless feminists and pseudo-intellectual foreigners!” Edge: “Manly Movie Guide.”

Our winner: “The Manly Movie Guide.” Since we liked his book so much, we spoke to “The Manly Movie Guide’s” David Everitt for further elucidation on movie machismo.

Question: How many more movies like “Bridges of Madison County” or “Jingle All the Way” or “Stop! Or My Mom Will Shoot” would Eastwood, Schwarzenegger and Stallone have to make to receive a temporary or even lifetime ban from the Manly Movie Hall of Fame?

Everitt: It’s a tough question. With Eastwood, he’s done quite a few films considered disgraceful by manly standards, but he’d have to do an awful lot of bad films to erase his manly canon. With Schwarzenegger and Stallone, there’s less leeway.

Q: How does a real man even stumble across a manly foreign film or a manly Merchant Ivory film?

A: There was a time I did see foreign films. I thought that was what serious film fans did, but for the most part, it did not work out for me. I only related to the Akira Kurosawa samurai movies when I saw how they inspired classic westerns. “Wages of Fear” had a reputation that preceded it, even though it seemingly has everything going against it--it’s directed by someone with a French name and stars someone named Yves. So there were a couple of foreign-film conundrums there, but upon further inspection and research, we discovered that the co-producer was Italian. So that explained it--someone from the country which produced “The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly” worked on it.

With Merchant Ivory, I didn’t know they had anything to do with “The Deceivers” until I saw their name in the credits while watching the movie. The ad looked like an old-fashioned British Imperialist booster, but it’s by them, of all people. How they actually made a picture where something actually happens is beyond me.

Q: What actors working today are the furthest from making the Manly Movie Hall?

A: Leonardo DiCaprio. Did I answer that one quickly enough? Someone wake me up when his turn at bat is over.

There has been a general decline in manliness over the last 20 years. Occasionally you’ll get something good, like “Braveheart” or “Face/Off.” But Tom Cruise--he’s not someone who conjures up images of Lee Marvin. In “Mission: Impossible,” he has this line: “You haven’t seen me really upset.” That should be a tough moment. If Lee Marvin said that line, everyone in the theater would go, “Whoa!” It’d be really dangerous. But Tom Cruise just sounds peevish--what’s he gonna do, throw a tantrum. Kevin costner has had his moments. “Bull Durham” I really like, and “Tin Cup.” I knew “Tin Cup” was a great manly romantic comedy when I was walking out of the theater and said to my wife, “Wasn’t that great?” and she said, “Geez, it was so boring.” He really captured what being a guy is all about--being mule-headed to the point of self-destructiveness. But “The Postman,” what is that? It looks like a Cliff Clavin fever dream, like something he’d talk about at the [“Cheers”] bar. It’s mighty peculiar.

Q: What’s the manliest movie of all time?

A: If my back was to the wall, I’d have to say “The Wild Bunch.” Definitely. For one thing, it passes the most rigorous cinematic test--no woman would be caught dead watching it. Also, it’s a very moving and touching portrayal of the special bond between men when precipitating blood-drenched, apocalyptic violence in a Mexican border town. I’m sure it depicts [director] Sam Peckinpah’s idea of fun.