Off-Kilter

Unchecked Egos Department: A mural of media tycoon Rupert Murdoch’s fingerprint fills the lobby of a building at his 20th Century Fox lot in Los Angeles. It’s 36 feet high, according to the Sacramento Bee.

Along the same lines, Wireless Flash News Service reports that Roger Ebert, famous for his thumbs-up-or-down movie reviews, has trademarked his right thumb. (He says the left thumb serves as a stunt double.)

This makes us wonder whether we, too, could trademark a finger--one that would bring us untold wealth if people had to pay a small royalty every time it was used.

Fantasy Sweethearts: Which celebrity would Americans most like to receive a Valentine bouquet from? Strom Thurmond? Kathie Lee Gifford? Nah, nothing that unpredictable. The real answer, according to a poll conducted for the Society of American Florists, is Mel Gibson for women and Julia Roberts for men. Runners-up were Tom Cruise, Harrison Ford, Denzel Washington, Will Smith and Jimmy Smits for gals--and Goldie Hawn, Halle Berry, Whitney Houston, Uma Thurman and Salma Hayek for guys. Yawn. Why doesn’t someone do a survey about which celebs we’d least like to get flowers from?

Alarming Trends Department: While the rest of the media froths over President Clinton’s Waterbed-gate scandal, we have taken it upon ourselves to keep you abreast of more important threats to world stability:

* There is a Polish version of the Spice Girls, and they are coming to America to sing.

* A group of Russians wants to clone cells from Lenin’s mummified corpse, according to https://www.tabloid.net.

* A film company is sponsoring a nationwide karaoke contest to promote the movie “The Wedding Singer.” This karaoke thing must be stopped. We think that’s why Godzilla is back.

You Saw It Here First: In our continuing quest to bring credibility to the world of the paranormal, we now turn to New York psychic Elizabeth Joyce, who predicts that Bill Clinton will not give the State of the Union address tonight. She claims the beleaguered commander in chief will instead resign and let Al Gore deliver the speech. Oh, and by the way, Gore will dispatch American troops to war in the Middle East in March, she says.

Top New Excuse for Avoiding Sex: On the heels of a recent study showing that America’s most educated citizens have the least sex, Cincinnati Enquirer cartoonist Jim Borgman has come up with the perfect substitute for the old “I have a headache” escape clause: “Not tonight, honey. I have a PhD.”

Best Supermarket Tabloid Headline: “It’s Official: Breaking Wind Can Kill!” (Weekly World News)

The story says, “Breathing other folks’ methane gas can weaken your immune system.”

* Roy Rivenburg can be reached by e-mail at roy.rivenburg@latimes.com.

Contributors: Wireless Flash

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