Punch Lines

Shock Rocker: Marilyn Manson will appear on “Politically Incorrect.” “He’ll be appearing with noted political analyst Pamela Anderson.” (Premiere Radio)

No Ifs, Ands or . . . : Xerox Corp. is accusing Hewlett-Packard Co. of patent infringement. “Ever since Hewlett-Packard started taking credit for buttocks copying, they have never gotten along.” (David Christensen)

The Big Catch: Forbes magazine published its annual list of the 400 richest men in America. There are no surprises. “The three richest are Bill Gates, Warren Buffett and the fellow who caught Mark McGwire’s 70th home run.” (Argus Hamilton)

Weekend Warrior: “Bill Clinton’s weekend appearances at party campaign functions generated $4 million in donations to the Democrats and $6 million to the Republicans.” (Gary Easely)

George of the Jungle: Researchers found that animals in the wild are not faithful to their mates. The only mammal that’s 100% faithful is the marmoset monkey. “And as George Bush discovered, they make adorable running mates.” (Hamilton)

Highs and Lows: The daily weather report began on this day 126 years ago. “This is a big day over at Channel 7. Johnny Mountain recalibrates his punch lines.” (Kenny Noble Cortes)

In Sports: Hustler magazine publisher Larry Flynt reportedly has offered to buy Cincinnati Reds majority owner Marge Schott’s interest in the team. “If he buys the team, every night will be ball night.” (Mark Wheeler)

Take Me Out . . . : Bill Ingraham of Tewksbury, N.J., is being hauled into court by his neighbors because he’s built a full-size baseball diamond in his backyard for his son to practice on. “Perhaps he should have listened to the voices that kept whispering, ‘If you build it, they will sue.’ ” (Premiere)

Word of Caution: An L.A. patrolman pulled over a beat-up Thunderbird and discovered the driver was his missing father who had left him as an infant. “Agencies are cautioning adopted children that joining the police force is not in itself a guarantee that you’ll find your birth parents.” (Johnny Robish)

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