LAUGH LINES
On the Campaign Trail: Ohio Democrats want Jerry Springer to run for the U.S. Senate. “Hey, if that’s what it takes to get him off the air, you got my vote.” (Jay Leno)
Off the Campaign Trail: According to a new book, Hillary Clinton allegedly clocked the president when he admitted his affair with Monica Lewinsky. “Maybe Hillary is a New Yorker after all.” (Daily Scoop)
Now You Tell Me: The Federal Trade Commission is proposing warning labels for cigars. “Gee, this could’ve saved President Clinton a whole lot of trouble.” (Paul Steinberg)
Music Beat: Rapper Coolio was sentenced to 10 days in jail and ordered to perform 40 hours of community service due to weapons charges. “I hope a little thing like this won’t damage the good reputation rappers have worked so hard to get.” (Andrew Wisot)
It Figures: A survey found that Europeans outdrink Americans, 22 beers to 19 beers a month. “Of course, in Britain you’d have to be drunk to put up with the food.” (Mark Wheeler)
*
Bob Mills’ Essential
Daily List
Top inducements for high-school graduate recruits now that the Air Force has fallen short of its enlistment quota:
5. Designer uniforms from the Gap.
4. Free body piercing.
3. All-night raves at the PX.
2. March steps that feature hip-hop.
1. Foxhole cell phones.
Got a joke? Send it to Laugh Lines: fax, (213) 237-0732; mail, Southern California Living, L.A. Times, Times Mirror Square, L.A., CA 90053.
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