He Could Have Been a Contender
Pocket Change Department: Ever since reading “The Mysterious Stranger” by Mark Twain, we’ve been fascinated by how simple twists of fate can totally change a person’s life. For example: a traffic jam that causes someone to miss a plane that crashes, or a pair of thong underwear that leads to the impeachment of a president and important new DNA research.
In our case, we’re pretty sure we’d be as rich as Bill Gates if we had been wearing different pants. According to the Sunday Telegraph of London, untold fortunes have been lost all over the world by people sitting on sofas, and having loose change fall out of their pockets and vanish into the cushions.
Fortunately, British scientists have apparently invented a new trousers pocket designed to keep change from sliding out when you sit. Marks & Spencer devised the slacks after customer complaints.
“When I took change out of my pockets, I kept thinking, ‘I had more money than that,’ ” said one shopper. “Then, at a friend’s house one evening, I got up to leave and they said, ‘You don’t have to leave a tip, you know.’ ”
The new pockets are currently undergoing testing. If they work, we smell a Nobel Prize.
Dog Day Afternoon: Now that the novelty of Take Your Daughter to Work Day has worn off, an organization called Pet Sitters International has designated June 25 as Take Your Dog to Work Day.
Stuart Smalley Bureau: We wish to apologize to supporters of the self-esteem movement for Monday’s front-page article on how teaching students to love themselves has done nothing to improve their academic performance.
We’re sorry if the story hurt your feelings, and we want to remind you that even though your program is now a proven failure, you’re still good enough, you’re smart enough and, doggone it, people like you.
Lunar Blues Bureau: Those of you who perform certain tasks “once in a blue moon” better get cracking because there are two of them this year. A blue moon occurs when there are two full moons in the same month (the second full moon is the blue one).
It’s a rare event--only about seven blue moons every 19 years, says Sky and Telescope magazine--but it’s especially rare to have two in the same calendar year. After 1999’s dual blue moons, on Jan. 31 and March 31, the next double-blue year is 2018.
Millennial Matrimony Bureau: Two goo-goo-eyed Germans are planning to become the first newlyweds of the next millennium by holding their wedding on an island near the international date line. The couple will exchange vows just after midnight New Year’s Eve 1999 on the New Zealand island of Stewart.
Unless, of course, the year 2000 problem also affects the South Pacific, in which case we predict the couple will be killed by an airplane falling out of the sky.
Best Supermarket Tabloid Headline: “World’s Only Water-Skiing Elephant Dead at 63!” (Weekly World News)
What a shame. And right before the inauguration of Take Your Water-Skiing Elephant to Work Day.
Roy Rivenburg’s e-mail address is roy.rivenburg@latimes.com. Unpaid Informants: John Wilcock, Wireless Flash News Service. Off-Kilter runs Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays.