Confidential to ‘Doubly Disturbed’: Don’t Watch!

Dear Howie: I am a very mature, well-adjusted man who watched an advance tape of tonight’s Lifetime movie, “Take My Advice: The Ann and Abby Story.” I found myself being stimulated in an unexpected way. To be honest, I never thought that I would be turned on by seeing Ann Landers in her underwear. Is something wrong with me?

--HOT AND CONFUSED

IN LOS ANGELES

Dear Hot: Get hold of yourself, buster (and I don’t mean that literally). There is nothing wrong with you. That wasn’t Ann Landers you were watching. It was tall, willowy, gorgeous ex-model to-die-for Wendie Malick of NBC’s “Just Shoot Me” playing Ann Landers. She also plays Ann’s identical twin, Abigail Van Buren, in this movie about the pair of famous advice columnists. Fortunately for your libido, Abby keeps on all of her clothes. In any case, do yourself a favor and take a cold shower.

*

Dear Howie: I have seen some bizarre physical miscastings. I’ve seen William Bendix play Babe Ruth, who swung bats bigger than Bendix. On TV, I’ve seen Rip Torn play Lyndon Johnson, who was a half head taller. I’ve seen 6-foot Vanessa Redgrave play 5-foot Holocaust survivor Fania Fenlon. I’ve seen Ingrid Bergman as Golda Meir.

But Wendie Malick as Ann Landers and Abigail Van Buren takes the cake. I’ve seen these ladies, and I’m not one to denigrate anyone’s appearance. But they ain’t Wendie. Is there some rational explanation for this?

--BAFFLED IN LOS ANGELES

Dear Baffled: Rational, no. And it’s true that there is no resemblance. My mother-in-law, Margaret Finkel, who is 88, noted that when I showed her the movie recently in Kansas City. “I don’t remember the twins being that tall,” she said.

Ma Finkel should know. She is their second cousin, and knew them before they got famous as Ann and Abby, when they were still Esther (Eppie) and Pauline (Popo) Friedman in Sioux City, Iowa.

In acting, though, heart matters more than appearance. Also more important than casting is whether the movie is worthwhile and believable in other ways.

*

Dear Howie: I understand that “Take My Advice: The Ann and Abby Story” is directed by Alan Metzger and written by Howard Burkons and Adam Gilad. But the movie carries the disclaimer of being “based upon true events, containing characters, events and dialogue which have been fictionalized for dramatic effect,” and of being made “without the authorization or advice of any of its subjects.” What does that mean?

--NAIVE AND TRUSTING

IN LOS ANGELES

Dear Naive: Does the word “fantasy” resonate with you? Much of this reeks of “dramatic license.” And Ma Finkel says the movie omits the twins’ younger brother, younger sister and older sister--”her name is Helen,” Ma Finkel said, “and she married a Brodky boy.”

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Dear Howie: Television is worse than ever. I offer as irrefutable proof “Take My Advice: The Ann and Abby Story,” which depicts Eppie and Popo in their close-knit youth, then their married lives after 1939, then their eventual split after becoming jealously competing syndicated columnists in the mid-1950s and finally their rapprochement 20 years later at their high school reunion.

But this story of battling bouffants has to be a gag, right? I mean, what is it with these three women in a beauty parlor who keep popping up as gossipy commentators on Ann and Abby? Talk about running a bad bit into the ground. Brother! This is so badly executed that in a movie that spans nearly 40 years, the twins hardly age, and much of the time you can’t tell Eppie from Popo, even after Eppie gets a nose job.

--DISGUSTED IN LOS ANGELES

Dear Disgusted: This movie needs a nose job. As someone else I know put it, watching Eppie and Popo have a conversation here is like watching a tennis match. But my favorite scene is Eppie (or is it Popo?) choppering in to visit the troops in Vietnam and sounding like a hybrid of Mae West and Ethel Merman: “What’s your name, soldier?’

Again, I defer to the esteemed critic Ma Finkel, who complained: “This is not a very good movie, and I don’t recognize anybody.”

*

Dear Howie: My lids felt like barbells while watching the movie. This is such an incredibly dull, flat, uninteresting story. Who really cares?

--BLASE IN LOS ANGELES

Dear Blase: Not Ma Finkel. After watching for 20 minutes, she got up and left the room.

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Dear Howie: Did you really show “Take My Advice: The Ann and Abby Story” to your mother-in-law, and is she really the twins’ cousin? If so, doesn’t that also make your wife their cousin?

--SKEPTICAL IN LOS ANGELES

Dear Skeptical: Yes on all counts. My advice to you is trust me. This column is not only based on true events, but contains no characters, events or dialogue that have been fictionalized for dramatic effect. Most importantly, it was written with both the authorization and advice of Ma Finkel.

* “Take My Advice: The Ann and Abby Story” airs at 9 tonight on Lifetime. The network has rated it TV-PG (may be unsuitable for young children).