LAUGH LINES

The New Family Values: Newt Gingrich and his wife have separated and are negotiating a divorce settlement. “For starters, Denny Hastert gets the House.” (Argus Hamilton)

The New Family Values II: “Here’s a scary thought for you: Newt dating.” (Alex Kaseberg)

In the Strike Zone: New York Yankees pitcher David Cone pitched a perfect game last week. “Know what the Dodgers call a perfect game? A rainout.” (Jay Leno)

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The Essential David Letterman

Announcements you’re most likely to hear at Woodstock:

10. “We apologize for the delay--the Bizkit is too limp to perform.”

9. “The first 80 rows are reserved for former Mick Jagger mistresses only.”

7. “Mr. Letterman--we’ve found your pants.”

6. “We have a message for a Hillary C. Please leave our state immediately.”

4. “DMX, please move your BMW.”

3. “Will Willie Nelson’s manager please report to the freakout tent.”

1. “Ice Cube, please report to the frozen margarita tent.”

Got a joke? Send it to Laugh Lines by fax, (213) 237-0732, or mail, Southern California Living, Los Angeles Times, Times Mirror Square, Los Angeles, CA 90053.