Angels, Dodgers Need a Lifeline

Who wants to be a millionaire?

Nobody placing preseason bets on the 2000 Dodgers or Angels, certainly.

To the same dramatic tones that serenade contestants on America’s hottest game show, our low-rated baseball teams began this winter vowing to solve all their problems.

Glancing at this week’s rosters on the eve of spring training, the question must be asked:

Is that your final answer?

A Stoneman is:

1. A person who spends his winters sleeping like a rock.

2. The French word for, “No deal.”

3. The new Angel general manager, scheduled to start any day now.

Todd Hundley is:

1. The best catcher in baseball.

2. The best catcher in baseball history.

3. The best player in baseball history.

The previous question was written by:

1. Kevin Malone.

2. Chase Carey.

3. Someone still trying to make us forget Mike Piazza, and boy, it’s really working.

The Angels’ opening-day starting pitcher will be:

1. One hilluva good question.

2. Hill and high water.

3. Ken Hill.

The Angels’ best catcher is:

1. Mickey Hatcher.

2. Mike Scioscia.

3. There’s somebody named Molina, then there’s maybe Matt Walbeck, and, well, um, just forget we asked.

The Dodgers’ best second baseman is:

1. Davey Johnson.

2. Glenn Hoffman.

3. See next question.

After a sparkling year at shortstop, the Dodgers’ Mark Grudzielanek was rewarded with:

1. Padded runway walls for the next time he hits into a double play.

2. Padded dugout walls for the next time somebody misspells his name.

3. A move to second base.

Battling to replace Grudzielanek at shortstop will be:

1. Grudzielanek, when he realizes second base isn’t as much fun.

2. Jose Vizcaino, as soon as he talks them into letting him back in the clubhouse.

3. Alex Cora and Juan Castro, which brings up another question, that being, does anybody know where to find Dave Anderson?

What did the Dodgers lose most in the Raul Mondesi trade?

1. Assorted conjugations of the word, “bleep.”

2. The Partymobile!

3. Pedro Borbon Jr., leaving their bullpen one noticeable left-hander short.

What did the Dodgers gain most in Shawn Green?

1. A guy who promises to sit in the dugout between innings.

2. A guy who will enable us to stop blaming Canada for Carlos Perez.

3. A guy who runs just as hard as Mondesi, only five hours earlier.

Why did the Angels let Chuck Finley leave?

1. After days of top-secret, high-level organizational meetings, they determined he was the equivalent of lipstick on a pig.

2. He can only win against the New York Yankees, and who cares about the Yankees?

3. They still don’t know he’s gone.

Why did the Angels sign Tom Candiotti?

1. Knuckleballs for knuckleheads.

2. They thought they had the perfect catcher for him, until they realized Scioscia is, well, um, hmmm . . .

3. They still don’t know he has been signed.

The Dodger center fielder is going to be:

1. John Fogerty.

2. A rock or a hard place.

3. Todd Hollandsworth or Devon White.

The reason the Dodgers lost 85 games last year and finished 23 games out of first place and were the worst team money could buy was:

1. Eric Young.

2. Eric Young.

3. Eric Young.

The above question was written by:

1. Kevin Malone.

2. Bob Daly.

3. Somebody who wants us to think that trading Ismael Valdes and Young was addition by subtraction, and boy, is it working.

The most powerful man on the Dodgers is:

1. Scott Boras.

2. Whoever Scott Boras says it is.

3. Duh, Orel Hershiser.

The Angels have not yet traded Jim Edmonds for a starting pitcher because:

1. They forgot they have him.

2. They thought they’d already traded him.

3. Every time somebody calls, they are taking a nap.

The Angels have lined up at least seven candidates to play second base because:

1. All of them were home on the one day this winter that the front-office phone was working.

2. The Damion Easley curse lives.

3. They are hoping three of them can pitch.

The biggest baseball star in town is:

1. Mo Vaughn

2. Kevin Brown

3. Whoever has the guts to start holding either one accountable.

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Bill Plaschke can be reached at his e-mail address: bill.plaschke@latimes.com.