Surviving Your Child’s Freshman Year of College

Dear Vicki: I really enjoy your column and your point of view, but I have a big question for you: Why don’t you ever write anything for us moms of teenagers? I have one child who is in his first year of college and another who has just finished submitting applications to seven colleges and universities.

I don’t mean to be disrespectful of other writers’ feelings, but potty-training issues seem pretty unimportant when your firstborn is 2,000 miles from home in a dorm with boys and girls sharing bathrooms and with beer apparently served 24 hours a day.

My most pressing issue is this: My first-year college son, who is there on a baseball scholarship, seems to be falling apart at the seams. His grades for the first semester were lousy, and he almost never tells his father or me if he’s happy and secure in his new home.

It’s all I can do not to call him up and tell him to come right home tomorrow, but my husband says I have to let him deal with this on his own. What do you think?

--APRON STRINGS ARE STRETCHED TOO FAR

Dear Apron Strings: You’re right about me sidestepping most questions about mothering teenagers; after all, I write what I know about, and my oldest child just turned 12 last week.

Still, because so many of my official Girlfriends have several teens of their own, I took them all to lunch today to pick their brains. (By the way, thanks for giving me a professional excuse for playing hooky and having a wonderful cold poached salmon.)

Here’s the consensus: Even our best parenting efforts can seem to come up short during that scary first year of college. We’re just too darned far away to enforce good study habits and a reasonable remnant of self-control in the face of an irresistible and overwhelming social life. Two of my experienced mom friends suggested that you contact your child’s college counselor to make sure that he isn’t being hampered by some undiscovered learning disability.

Boys in particular seem to be challenged by the challenges of allotting sufficient time for assignments, correctly recording the exact assignment instructions and then integrating class lectures with research to produce the work product their professors are looking for.

I don’t want to sound gender biased here, but as the mother of two boys, I already recognize how much more often they and their friends seem to need help developing their own compensatory skills for dealing with a demanding curriculum. I just take comfort in knowing that their father, too, rarely seems to understand what is told to him the first or even the second time, and he turned out OK.

I sincerely believe in the value of getting any student assessed to make sure he has the tools he will need to perform well in an academic setting. For example, you may learn that he should tape his lectures. Or maybe he would excel in a study group in which other students share their understanding of written material or their notes from class.

Two of my Girlfriends reminded me to consider how traumatic it can be for any kid to move away from home to go to college. They insist that you have to weigh academic performance against social and emotional adjustment.

One mom, for example, decided to leave her son in his groovy “communal living” situation but asked him to enroll in a nearby junior college for a semester or two, just to get his bearings. He clearly had mastered his new environment, but his classwork was still a work in progress.

Never forget that college is about two lessons: academic and developmental. And, to my way of thinking, they are equally valuable. Sending a child off to college can be so upsetting to parents that we project our fears about not making the grade onto our kids. I guess this is our cue to relax and remind our freshmen that we will be tolerant about grades for the first year.

Look, you all did the heavy lifting already and got your child into college in the first place. Now relax and let him find his way.

Just don’t forget that the college works for you and your child. It has counselors who should be familiar with your kid’s performance. It also has tutors and remedial groups to offer if you think your child needs them. Remember, pride is meaningless in this matter. The college wants your kids to excel just as much as you do, and it will respond to your constant, even irritating, phone calls, letters and e-mails.

My unscientific survey assures me that many college frosh are struggling with the transition. These kids are supposed to stay there, find their way and ultimately thrive. Make the institution work for your son. That’s what you’re paying for. In the meantime, stay in the saddle and know that he will work this out with your help.

*

Vicki Iovine is the author of the “Girlfriends’ Guide,” a columnist for Child magazine and parenting correspondent for NBC’s “Later Today.” Write to her at Girlfriends, Southern California Living, Los Angeles Times, Times Mirror Square, L.A., CA 90053; e-mail GrlfrndsVI@aol.com.