WHAT’S BEHIND “BIG BROTHER’S” DOOR

When summer doldrums become doh!drums.

If you’re watching CBS these days, trying to elude “Survivor” and this week’s new “Big Brother” is like running from your own butt. Can’t be done.

Take Wednesday, when the hit (go figure) “Survivor” ran in its usual time slot, becoming a lead-in for the premiere of the newer, nosier, five-nights-a-week “Big Brother,” whose 10 contestants this week began enduring 24-hour surveillance and each other, inside a specially built two-bedroom, one-bath structure on the CBS-Radford lot in Studio City, en route to a payoff of $500,000 for the winner.

“Now . . . that was intense!” proclaimed chirpy host Julie Chen at the end of the premiere. On the contrary, the debut of “Big Brother” turned out to be little more than an advertisement for “Big Brother.”

Meanwhile, it and “Survivor” got nearly wall-to-wall exposure on CBS.

That began with the usual chauvinistic promos masquerading as news on “The Early Show,” followed on KCBS-TV news here by promos disguised as news stories. At 8 p.m. came “Survivor,” followed at 9 by “Big Brother,” followed at 10 by a brainless “48 Hours” devoted to fame, which included interviews with two “Survivor” castaways (Jenna and Sean) and a fat plug for “Big Brother.”

All implicitly presented as news on a CBS News program.

Not to be outdone, naturally, KCBS gave “Survivor” and “Big Brother” another glowing marquee on its 11 p.m. news. That included the usual shilling by entertainment reporter David Sheehan and the exhumation of psychiatrist Carole Lieberman for another of her chin-stroking analyses on this weighty topic.

What’s in this for contestants beyond the money? Clipboard in hand, Lieberman informed rapt reporter Lora Marcus: “I think the main reason is the celebrity status.” A motivation surely not unfamiliar to Lieberman, who was nearly as hilarious, unintentionally, as the comedian whose monologue followed on CBS a few minutes later.

“It’s ‘Survivor’ Wednesday on CBS, ladies and gentlemen,” announced David Letterman.

Joke 1: “ ‘The Perfect Storm’ hit the ‘Survivor’ island. They all drowned.”

Joke 2: “Colleen found out what Rudy meant when he said, ‘There’s a lizard in my tent.’ ”

As for “Big Brother,” Letterman compared being trapped inside a house under the intense laser of 24-hour cameras to “being Frank Gifford.” Think about it.

Then, before you knew it, came “ ‘Survivor’ Thursday,” a regular update (with its own sponsor) on “The Early Show.” This week it featured not only the usual interview with the previous evening’s dispatched “Survivor” contestant (Joel Klug), but also a panel discussion of that episode, as if the topic were the State of the Union instead of a soap opera in the South China Sea.

In fact, “Survivor” plugs are now woven into the basic fabric of some news programs, as in this KCBS lead to a story about roaches Thursday morning: “Well, you don’t have to be a survivor to win a million bucks. . . .”

As for the competing arthropods of “Survivor,” the Tagi and Pagong tribes are about to merge into a single tribe of 10. Richard of the Tagi has taken to strolling in the buff, with CBS blurring his privates to avoid offending the viewers at home. The contestants are ever whinier. The blackballing tribal councils are as absurd as ever, and the guy who presides over them (“The tribe has spoken!”), smarmy host Jeff Probst, is still the island inhabitant you’d most like to roast on a spit with an apple in his mouth.

Rules of “Big Brother”--which originated as a blockbuster Dutch series before being spun off to the U.S. and elsewhere--require that participants each week be voted off the show one by one, by viewers, until the final episode on Sept. 30, when the home audience will choose a winner from the three who remain.

Although wearing wireless mikes, the “house guests” are sealed off from all outside contact while being observed by 28 cameras. In other words, no phones, beepers, computers, newspapers, magazines, radio or TV.

The good news: They won’t have to watch “Survivor” or Ian O’Malley, the irritatingly glib “reporter” who gave Wednesday night viewers a tour of the “Big Brother” house and its two-way mirrors.

So is this, finally, the golden orb of reality TV? Please!

Although available on a 24-hour basis on the Internet on America Online, TV’s “Big Brother” is no closer than “Survivor” to being pure reality, given the need to edit it down to hourlong episodes designed to hold viewers. In any case, shouldn’t Americans be living their own lives instead of living them through the activities of five men and five women, ages 21 to 43, who are here because someone thought they’d make good TV? Do you really want to spend an hour an evening with these people?

Jamie the beauty queen who sounds like a beauty queen? Arrrrrgh! George the paunchy roofer who likes to lie on his swimming pool diving board in his undershorts, his stomach aimed at the heavens? Get outta here.

Eight others who seem as unremarkable as any of us?

And George Orwell’s “1984” notwithstanding, what’s with this title, “Big Brother”? Instead of being gender-specific, shouldn’t it be “Big Person”?

So much to ponder, so much to discuss. Which CBS and its news programs will be doing in the coming months.

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Howard Rosenberg’s column appears Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays. He can be contacted via e-mail at howard.rosenberg@latimes.com.