Trying for Hip, Movie ‘Ratz’ Traps Itself

“I’m so not obsessed.” “I so can’t believe it.” “I am so never going to get over this.” “Omigod, everyone is so calling us . . . “: Teen speak, according to tonight’s brainless, intensely irritating Showtime family movie “Ratz,” about a nerdy junk store proprietor, a magic ring and a couple of adolescent girls in need of dates for a school dance.

This latest offering from Showtime’s “Original Pictures for All Ages” is so, like, peppered with mind-numbing dialogue and egregious airhead stereotypes--girls are boy-crazy, boys are stupid and moms are clueless--it’s an insult to teens and parents everywhere.

It’s also a waste of highly respected, award-winning TV and film actress Kathy Baker.

She plays “Weird Doris,” the bucktoothed, dim-bulb store owner who uses a magic ring to glamorize herself and turn real rats into hunky dates for a pair of wallflower best friends, 14-year-olds Marci (Vanessa Lengies) and Summer (Caroline Elliott).

After all, says Marci, getting used to the idea, rats just “eat, run on the treadmill and mate, which, when you get down to it, doesn’t make them different than most guys.” Bada-bing.

Before they can get them to the dance, the girls have to keep the rat boys distracted with food, train them with the help of an electrical zapper, and keep them from thinking about mating.

Meanwhile, Doris’ new resemblance to a glam soap star leads to tangled complications involving the mayor, the police and an old admirer, Herb the inarticulate handyman, a wince-making role played by Ron Silver.

Silver, another award-winning talent, looks as if he’d rather be anywhere else.

Written and directed by Thom Eberhardt, the film tries far too hard to be hip and happening with cutesy cartoon arrows and text, split-screen effects, stills, bubble-gum rock music, action rewinds, and Marci’s oh-so-kicky first-person narration.

* “Ratz” premieres tonight at 8 on Showtime. The network has rated it TV-G (suitable for all ages).