LAUGH LINES

Big Fish: “[George W.] Bush’s relentless pandering to American Samoa paid off in a big way as he scored primary victories there as well as in Guam, the Virgin Islands and Puerto Rico over the weekend. These island wins would give Bush much-needed momentum if the next primary was to be held in Brigadoon.” (Jon Stewart)

Land of Plenty: “National Geographic magazine’s March-April issue identifies the 100 most exciting things to do in America. They include rafting through the Grand Canyon, dog sledding in Alaska and pretending you’re a millionaire so 50 women will parade in front of you practically naked while on national TV.” (Jerry Perisho)

Campaign Capper: “Scary moment in the Washington presidential primary for Al Gore. Did you hear about this? I guess the Secret Service got reports that Tonya Harding was seen in the crowd, with a hubcap.” (Jay Leno)

Hold the Phone: “There is a growing concern over the safety of using wireless phones while driving. A new survey reveals that 65% of all traffic accidents are followed by the words, ‘I’d better hang up now, I may have hurt someone.’ ” (Alex Kaseberg)

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