If Bill Gates Had Written This Column, There’d Be 22 Versions

Random thoughts on a warm September day:

Wit is overrated.

So is sex.

If Bill Gates had invented silverware, there’d be 22 different kinds of soupspoons.

In a perfect world, all gas tanks would fill on the driver’s side.

Everything is better with cheese on it.

More and more, CNN commentator Robert Novak looks and sounds like Allen Funt.

So why is there Braille on my drive-thru ATM?

Thursday nights haven’t been the same since “Cheers” ended.

If Honda made houses, I’d buy one.

I’d have them put cheese on it.

Only 138 more shopping days till Super Bowl.

Where would we be today without elastic?

I love college football, but it begins two weeks too soon.

Three words for the Dodgers: pitching, pitching, pitching.

Whatever happened to Mickey Rourke?

Best new downtown L.A. hangout: the Weiland Brewery Restaurant at 1st Street and Central Avenue in Little Tokyo.

There should be an Auto Club for computers.

Remember when the Summer Olympics were held during the summer?

World’s most-perfect design: the baseball.

World’s second-most-perfect design: the martini glass.

Whatever happened to mouthwash commercials?

Save the Hollywood Bowl.

We’d all be a little better off if kids spent more time making music instead of downloading it.

The Chicago Bears are a year away. OK, maybe two.

Of all the moons, Europa is my favorite.

I can’t believe the Dodgers took away all those great onion grinders. And what’s with those new ketchup and mustard dispensers?

One hundred years later, I still have this thing for gymnast Cathy Rigby.

If Bill Gates had invented the alphabet, there’d be 26,000 versions of the letter “k.”

Every college team should have one player named “Rocky.”

Halloween is quickly turning into America’s Mardi Gras.

With less than two months till the election, I’ve seen a total of two bumper stickers. One Gore, one Bush.

Best channel on television: ESPN Classic.

Adding Robert Downey Jr. to the cast of “Ally McBeal” was pretty smart.

People I miss: longtime Los Angeles Times printer Steve Schroeder.

If Al Gore doesn’t stop kissing Tipper in public, I’m calling the cops.

Whatever happened to Stevie Wonder?

Six words for the Dodgers: onion grinders, onion grinders, onion grinders.

Never buy a book when the author’s name is bigger than the title.

In a perfect world, Sports Illustrated would come out twice a week: Mondays and Fridays.

In old war movies, why do kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

More and more, Dodger first baseman Eric Karros looks like Donny Osmond. Eventually he will turn into Donny Osmond. He’ll still hit .260.

Memo to ABC: Nice try on Dennis Miller, but it’s just not working out.

Maybe wit isn’t overrated.

I was just kidding about sex.

*

Chris Erskine’s column is published on Wednesdays. His e-mail address is chris.erskine@latimes.com.