If You Listen Closely, the Truth Is Out There

We have subtitled today’s column “What they really meant” to honor the countless sporting quotes over the years that have been nothing more than Cincinnati Red herrings.

One reason sportswriters are cynical is because we are fed lies in packs and get spun more often than Shimano reels.

In turn, we pass these shams and half-truths to you, the consumer.

For instance, when a player leaves a pennant contender to play in Milwaukee, claiming he’s “doing what’s best for his family,” he really means he squeezed three general managers like cantaloupes and took the best deal on the table.

When a golfer says he won’t fire his caddie for costing him a shot at the British Open, what he really means is that he’ll rest-assured can the nine-iron nimrod the first time he sleeps through the snooze alarm.

Oh, how hardscrabble scribes treasure shards of unexpurgated truth.

In the late 1980s, after a particularly ugly victory, Ram guard Dennis Harrah looked up from his locker-room seat and opined, “We’re in first place and we stink.”

Bravo .

Harrahs don’t often blow in from the Sahara, though, so for every dead-on Charles Barkley detonation we get countless “one-game-at-a-time” recasts.

It took only a cursory review of recent events to undercover a fresh batch of signed-off-on, carefully calculated, ask-me-off-the-record-for-the-real-story quotes:

* After top spokesman Tiger Woods pulled out of the Buick Open, company executive Tony Derhake tells USA Today: “We understand and support Tiger’s decision not to play this week.”

What he really meant: We shell out millions of dollars, put a free LaSabre in every one of his garages, say “how high” when Tiger says jump so Kenny Perry can be leading our final-round promos?

* Upon learning star back Jamal Lewis would be lost for the season because of a knee injury, Baltimore Raven Coach Brian Billick says: “We will adjust.”

What he really meant: If you’ll excuse me gentlemen, I would like to retreat to my office, dim the lights, secure a tissue box and cry harder than I cried during “Brian’s Song.”

* At the Pacific 10 Conference’s annual media day, Washington Coach Rick Neuheisel says: “The fact we’re picked fourth is a motivating force.”

What he really meant: The fact we’re picked fourth is a flippin’ joke. Anyone remember who won the Rose Bowl last year and finished No. 3 in the national polls? Look, I know what this is about. I’m young, I’m rich, I’m blond and I’m not the bumbling boob you thought I was at Colorado. Get over it.

* After paying $577,610 on EBay for “Shoeless” Joe Jackson’s bat, collector Bob Mitchell says: “I was shocked for what the bat went for. I think the bat’s worth somewhere between $1.7 and $4 million.”

What he really meant: EGads, I can’t believe I just paid half a million bucks for a chair leg .

* Reacting to troubled receiver Terry Glenn’s absence from training camp, New England quarterback Drew Bledsoe says: “It hasn’t been a distraction.”

What he really meant: I looked up distraction in the dictionary and Terry’s picture was next to it. How come the one guy who can keep me from getting knocked on my can 10 times a game has to act like a fruitcake?

* After ex-Chicago Bear lineman Steve McMichael was ejected from a Cub game for taunting the home plate umpire on the public address system, Cub president of marketing John McDonough says: “What happened was regrettable.”

What he really meant: What happened was this two-bit graduate of the Vince McMahon school of idiocy could have cost us a forfeit and the pennant. No biggie, though, I mean we just won the World Series in 1908.

* Reacting to star quarterback Drew Henson’s decision to sign with the New York Yankees, Michigan football Coach Lloyd Carr tells reporters: “I think Drew did what was in his heart.”

What he really meant: I think what Drew did was stab me in the heart. Oh well, there goes the Heisman, the Big Ten title and my multiyear contract extension.

* Commenting on radical course changes to be made at Augusta National Golf Club, Masters Chairman Hootie Johnson says: “Our object is to keep this golf course current.”

What he really meant: Our object was to keep this golf course from becoming a pitch-and-putt. You think it’s tough going around with a name like Hootie, try explaining to my constituency why guys who can’t make the cut in the John Deere have a decent chance to shoot double-digit under par a nd wear a green jacket.

* Questioned about the significance of hitting his 450th career home run, Ken Griffey Jr. remarks: “I don’t think about that. I think about what I have to do to help the ballclub win.”

What he really meant: I think about Aaron’s record every waking minute. I know the middle names of the guys ahead of me on the all-time list and how many “jacks” I need to average the next 10 years to become baseball’s new king.

* After his proposed fight with Oscar De La Hoya fell through, Fernando Vargas says: “I don’t need Oscar. I think he needs me more than I need him.”

What he really meant: I need Oscar more than Siberia needs heat. I can’t stand the guy, but how do I get filthy rich without him?

* Although his defense gave up a school-record number of points last year, UCLA Coach Bob Toledo says he is reluctant to rush inexperienced players into the lineup: “I’ve never told a freshman he will start and I never will.”

What he really meant: I would start Grandma Moses at strong safety if she could wrap up on a running ba ck.

* During his Hall of Fame induction speech, Nick Buoniconti says of his paralyzed son, Marc: “I’d like nothing more than to walk by his side.”

What he really meant:

Nick really meant that.