Week 16 NFL Breakdown

IT’S THE GIFT THAT KEEPS ON GIVING

Buffalo at New York Jets, 10 a.m. Along the same lines, after Vinny Testaverde rallied the Jets to a 29-28 victory over Indianapolis last week, New York wide receiver Wayne Chrebet excitedly exclaimed, “Vinny gave us all a new toy to play with under the tree.” Which, I’m guessing, would mean third place in the AFC East, the AFC’s No. 6 playoff seeding and a probable first-round ouster from the playoffs. Happy holidays, Jet fans!

The line: New York by 7.

CHRISTMAS CAME EARLY AND JUST KEPT GOING

Chicago at Detroit, 10 a.m. Along the same lines, after Bear General Manager Jerry Angelo announced plans to extend Coach Dick Jauron’s contract beyond 2002, a happy Bear safety Tony Parrish told Chicago reporters, “Wow! The first thing that comes to mind is ‘Merry Christmas!”’ Which is what the rest of the league had been saying after each of Chicago’s 11 victories this season.

The line: Chicago by 31/2.

IS THERE A WARRANTY ON THAT SCHEDULE?

Atlanta at Miami, 10 a.m. At 7-7 and having run out of fingers to cross, Falcon cornerback Ray Buchanan says he figured Atlanta’s road to the playoffs would have gone more smoothly than it has. “We thought we had a pretty good schedule heading into the season,” Buchanan says, “but it turns out we had more [games against] playoff teams than easy games.” So true. Atlanta lost twice to San Francisco in overtime, doing much to turn the 49ers from a 2000 also-ran into a 2001 playoff team. So that’s one more right there.

The line: Miami by 7.

AND ALREADY, SEIFERT’S BRINGING THE INFIELD IN

Arizona at Carolina, 10 a.m. With a victory today, the 6-8 Cardinals will avoid double-digit defeats for only the sixth time in the last 13 years. It might not happen--the Cardinals are underdogs against a Carolina team that has lost its last 13 games and can tie the NFL record for most consecutive defeats in a season with one more--but sports fans around Phoenix are optimistic. Fewer than two months ago, they witnessed their four-year-old baseball team defeat the New York Yankees in the World Series. No longer do they merely believe in miracles, they now expect them.

The line: Carolina by 1.

DID THIS EVER HAPPEN WITH JERRY RICE? NO, IT REALLY DIDN’T

San Francisco at Dallas, 10 a.m. Twenty years after The Catch, much of the pregame buildup to the latest 49er-Cowboy encounter focused on The T-Shirt--worn by San Francisco’s Terrell Owens this week at practice, emblazoned with a photo of Owens taunting all of Dallas with his infamous 2000 midfield touchdown celebration. “That might be his way of sticking humor into the whole situation,” 49er quarterback Jeff Garcia surmised, but Coach Steve Mariucci wasn’t buying it. Reporters asked Mariucci if he had seen the shirt. “Nope,” he said. Had he heard about the shirt? “Yep.” Did he want to comment about the shirt? “No, I really don’t.”

The line: San Francisco by 6.

REVEALED AT LAST: WHY ROBERT SMITH RETIRED SO SOON!

Minnesota at Green Bay, 10 a.m. Cris Carter is fed up with Randy Moss’ I’ll-dog-it-whenever-I-want routine, so he blasted his erstwhile protege during a conference call with reporters this week and says he is definitely leaving the Vikings after this season, maybe signing on with another team, anything to get him far, far away from this mess. Viking Coach Dennis Green is also fed up, but refrained from criticizing Moss and simply wishes he had the same set of options as Carter.

The line: Green Bay by 11.

THIS TIME, IT’S OVER BEFORE IT’S OVER

Cleveland at Tennessee, 10 a.m. After reaching the Super Bowl in 1999 and finishing with the league’s best regular-season record in 2000, how does it feel to be 7-7 and already out of playoff contention in 2001? “It’s going to take some getting used to,” says Tennessee defensive end Jevon Kearse, “knowing the last game is the last game.” So there’s your answer, football fans. It makes you feel like you’re Yogi Berra.

The line: Tennessee by 61/2.

ALSO WORTH NOTING: THE LAKERS GAVE UP NOVELTY ACTS WHEN RODMAN RETIRED

Kansas City at Jacksonville, 10 a.m. Chief tight end Tony Gonzalez, who stands 6 feet 4 and averaged 6.4 points and 4.3 rebounds for the Cal basketball team during the mid-1990s, says he’s ready to take on the NBA. The Kansas City Star, gamely playing along, suggests Gonzalez could make it “in the right situation”--i.e., 10th man on the Lakers because “Gonzalez is talented enough and a sufficient novelty act to justify a seat on an NBA roster despite his size.” Then again, it’s nearly the end of another Chief season and everyone just could be feeling a little mentally tired.

The line: Jacksonville by 41/2.

THAT WAS POSITIVELY, ABSOLUTELY, UNQUESTIONABLY THE LAST CHANCE HE GETS. UNLESS I CHANGE MY MIND

Indianapolis at St. Louis, 10 a.m., Channel 2. Ram quarterback Kurt Warner has thrown a bunch of interceptions, yet Coach Mike Martz is plugging him for NFL most valuable player. Ram punt returner Az-Zahir Hakim has bobbled a bunch of footballs this season, so Martz has pulled him and replaced him with Dre Bly. In football coaches’ parlance, this is known as a) a double standard; b) a dangerous precedent; c) common sense; d) something Martz should have done 12 months ago.

The line: St. Louis by 13.

YEAH, RIGHT

Pittsburgh at Cincinnati, 10 a.m. Steeler receiver Hines Ward was fined $10,000 by the league for allegedly taunting Raven safety Rod Woodson on Dec. 11 despite the following information: Ward swears he didn’t taunt anyone and the official who flagged him then for unsportsmanlike conduct later apologized to him. “I didn’t even say anything,” Ward insists, “even if it may have appeared like I did. ... I could have said, ‘It’s an honor to be on the same field with you.”’ And the league could have believed it. But it didn’t.

The line: Pittsburgh by 71/2.

IT’S REALLY A SIMPLE GAME, WHEN YOU BREAK IT DOWN

Seattle at San Diego, 1:15 p.m. Trent Dilfer, owner of a 13-0 record in his last 13 starts and the cleanest uniform pants in the league, finally returns to Seattle’s starting lineup with Matt Hasselbeck suffering from a separated shoulder. “My timing’s just off,” Dilfer reported after working out with the first unit. “But as we practice out the week, I’m sure I’ll get sharper and sharper. By game time, we should have it down.” They certainly should. Take the snap, pivot to one side, hand the ball to Shaun Alexander. Easy as that.

The line: San Diego by 11/2.

CROWD CONTROL, BRONCO E

Oakland at Denver, 1:15 p.m. There is a forecast of possible snow in Denver around game time, which could be worrisome considering the debacle that happened at Mile High Stadium in 1999, when Bronco fans pelted Raider players with snowballs after the game. This time, however, Bronco linebacker Bill Romanowski foresees no trouble. “If we give [the fans] something to stay around for, I think they will stay,” he says. “[But] if we’re out there and not playing well, the fans will probably leave early.”

The line: Denver by 1.

ALSO HELD CLIPBOARD FOR THE SUPER BOWL V CHAMPIONS

Washington at New Orleans, 5:30 p.m., ESPN. Washington quarterback Tony Banks, getting introspective about his 2001 season: “I’d been cut by Dallas, for a rookie who needs a little work, and guys [here] couldn’t help but wonder what’s wrong with me. I have some things to be proud of. We had a good run midway through the season, we were in the playoff hunt in mid-December, and I feel like I was a part of that.” Something for the job resume, anyway.

The line: New Orleans by 5.