Some Striking Predictions About Hollywood

The start of the new year is a time for predictions. And if Hollywood is bracing for one defining event in 2001, it’s a potentially devastating writers’ strike. Everywhere you look, movies are being rushed into production to beat the May 1 deadline for the strike.

But what if the shutdown dragged on all summer? Would the fall TV season be kaput? Would the studios start renting out their back lots for bar mitzvah parties? Would strike jitters start making everyone in Hollywood act a little crazy?

To find out what life in Hollywood might be like in the strike zone, we hopped into the Big Picture time machine, set the clock for Month 3 of the strike and set sail into the unknown. Here are the headlines we found:

Writers Guild Exposes Secret Paramount Pix Plan to Shoot 14 Films in Hastily Constructed Albanian Film Studio; Disputes Country’s Non-Signatory Status. Discovered in Albanian Capital Meeting With Nation’s Treasury Chief, Studio Topper Jonathan Dolgen Says He Was ‘Getting Currency Exchange Tips’ While on Family Vacation. We’ve Been Going to Albania for Years, Dolgen Says; ‘Beaches Here Are Better Than the Big Island.’

Stallone Ponders Retirement After Losing Arm-Wrestling Match With ‘American Beauty’ Scribe Alan Ball. Showdown Came After Stallone Claimed Writers’ Strike Was ‘No Big Deal,’ Saying He Wrote ‘All the Good Stuff’ in ‘Beauty,’ Five Other Oscar Films. Stallone Says Wrestling Loss Spurs Career Reassessment: ‘Maybe I Should Be Doing More Kevin Spacey-Type Roles.’

Top Show-Biz Attorney Bert Fields Spotted in Small Claims Court; Legal Eagle Defends Alhambra Mechanic in Property Line Dispute Over Damaged Garage Wall. Fields Says He’s Doing His Part to Keep Firm’s Billings ‘At Acceptable Levels’ During Strike Shutdown, Boasts: ‘We’re Gonna Get Big-Time Damages!’

Saying ‘If Joe Roth Can Do It, So Can I,’ Jeffrey Katzenberg Announces Plans to Personally Direct DreamWorks Update of ‘Stir Crazy.’ Jailhouse Comedy With Robert Downey Jr. and Ol’ Dirty Bastard Could Be Mega-Franchise. Katz Says Spielberg ‘Is Itching’ to Do Second Unit Prison Footage. ‘Not a Big Leap for Me,’ Says Katzenberg, Who Was Behind the Camera for ‘Nearly All’ of His Children’s Birthday Party Videos.

In Surprise Move, NBC Cancels Hit Shows ‘ER’ and ‘The West Wing.’ Network West Coast Prez Scott Sassa Insists WGA Strike Leader John Wells’ Hardball Tactics Played ‘Absolutely No Role’ in Decision; Says ‘ER’ Was ‘Awfully Expensive’ and ‘West Wing’ ‘Really Wasn’t All That Well Written.’ Replacement Shows Include Reality-Based ‘Divorce Court With Angelina Jolie and Billy Bob Thornton’ and Never-Before-Seen ‘Punky Brewster’ Episodes Recently Discovered in Fred Silverman’s Garage.

Elie Samaha U Opens Doors; Producer-Turned-Academic Says Cinema School to Offer Highbrow Education for Low-Budget Prices. Classes Include Charlie Sheen’s ‘New Look at Italian Neo-Realism,’ Tia Carrere’s ‘Origins of Soviet Cinema’ and Sly Stallone’s ‘A Writer on Writing.’ Samaha Says College’s Strip Club Location Just ‘Temporary Home’ Till He Finds Roomier Locale. ‘I Just Want to Give Something Back,’ Says Producer, Apparently Not Referring to $100 Million Owed German Investors for Recent String of Box-Office Flops.

Miramax Topper Harvey Weinstein Announces Hunger Strike Till Settlement Is Reached. Says He’ll Stick to Juice and Cigarettes for Six Months If ‘That’s What It Takes to Get This Great Biz Going Again.’ Gotham Maitre D’s React With Dismay, Say Losing Weinstein Biz Could Create ‘Major Slowdown’ in Eatery Biz. Sushi King Nobu Matsuhisa Said to Be Distraught.

‘Cast Away’ Island Owner Sues 20th Century Fox, Saying Studio Promised to Portray Island as ‘Easily Accessible’ Tropical Paradise. Claims Hyatt Chain Canceled Plans for 15-Acre Resort Hotel and Spa After Seeing Island Depicted as Sandy Wasteland in Mega-Hit. Attorney Bert Fields Says Original Script Ended With Tom Hanks Returning to Isle to Run Chic St. Bart’s-Style Nightclub; Promises: ‘We’re Gonna Get Big-Time Damages!’

Michael Ovitz Announces ‘Ron Bass’ Favorite Seafood Recipes,’ Six Other New Food Network Hollywood Tie-In Shows, Including ‘Action Iron Chef’ Spin-Off With Jackie Chan and ‘Two Fat Guys’ Film and Food Chat Hosted by Critic Roger Ebert and Producer Scott Rudin. Ovitz Insists Company Finances Unscathed by Demise of Fall Season: ‘We Didn’t Have Any Shows Left to Be Canceled.’

‘Angels 2’ to Start Filming Immediately. Sony’s Amy Pascal Will Direct Sequel Herself, Saying, ‘After All, Movie Is About Me.’ No Need for New Script, Says Pascal, We Have ‘Plenty of Leftover Material’ From Scripts by Original 17 Writers. Barrymore and Diaz Will Reprise Roles; Bill Murray’s Part Goes to Ex-Hoosier Coach Bobby Knight; Pascal Says: ‘Bobby Is a Lot Funnier Than People Think.’

Citing Dramatic Slowdown in Entertainment News, Variety Announces It Will Run Major League Baseball Box Scores, Post-Game Interviews and Pennant Race Analysis. Striking Scribe Ron Shelton Will Pen ‘Inside the Park’ Column. Editor Peter Bart Says Paper Will Move Back Its Deadlines to Include ‘All-Important’ West Coast Night Games.

22 Top Hollywood Scribes Spotted on Disney Cruise Ship in International Waters Off Albanian Gold Coast; WGA Negotiators Say S.S. Cruella De Vil Is ‘Scab Script Factory,’ Threatens Writers With Stiff Fines Despite Disney Claims of Ship’s Sovereign Nation Status. Disney’s Eisner Claims Albania ‘Popular’ Cruise Ship Stop: ‘Beaches There Are Better Than St. Bart’s.’ Scam Uncovered When Seasick Scribe Rushed Ashore on Wee-Hours Dramamine Run.

Page Six Photos Show Harvey Weinstein Elbowing Elderly Matron Aside to Get Second Helping of Crab Meat and Foie Gras at Gotham Eatery. Chef Says Miramax Mogul Burst Into Kitchen and Grabbed Porterhouse Steak That Was ‘Still on the Stove.’ Weinstein Admits Hunger Strike Was Failure, Blames Impending Home Video Release of ‘Chocolat.’

Strike Teams’ Disappearance Linked to Night Out on Town With New Line Execs Bob Shaye and Mike De Luca. WGA Top Negotiator Found Four Days Later at Seven Seas Lounge in San Pedro; Asks ‘Is Today Really Tuesday?’ Producers’ Top Negotiator Dehydrated but Upbeat About Settlement, Saying of WGA Rivals: ‘I Really Love Those Guys!’

Mike Myers Sues WGA and Universal Pix for Plagiarism, Says Comedy He Wrote ‘Years Ago’ About Strike That Shut Down Hollywood Is ‘Dead Ringer’ for Current Work Stoppage Drama. Says Strike Events Have Caused Him ‘Severe Emotional Distress.’ Myers Names Universal in Suit Because ‘I Know Those Guys Are Somehow Behind All This.’ Myers Attorney Bert Fields Vows: ‘We’re Gonna Get Big-Time Damages!’

Here We Go Again! Strike Agreement Stalled by Vote Dispute: Warren Christopher, Backing WGA Splinter Group, Demands Recount, Claims Elderly Scribes Were Confused by Butterfly-Style Ballot. WGA Board Questions Christopher Role, Saying He Hasn’t Seen a Movie Since ‘Hello, Dolly!’ Harvey Weinstein Denies Eating Missing Ballots, Calls Settlement Clause Guaranteeing Miramax Top Writers’ Next Two Scripts ‘A Fair Deal for Everybody.’

Supreme Court Agrees to Hear Recount Dispute; Weinstein Agrees to Have Stomach Pumped for Evidence; Christopher Agrees to See ‘Dude, Where’s My Car?’ Adam Sandler Agrees to Cover Supreme Court Hearing for New Ovitz ‘Hollywood Law’ Reality Show. Al Gore Complains: ‘If They Count Writer Votes, They Should Count Mine,’ Then Agrees to Shut Up.

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“The Big Picture” runs every Tuesday in Calendar. If you have questions, ideas or criticism, e-mail them to patrick.goldstein@latimes.com.