Canseco Simply Doesn’t Have the Write Stuff

Warning: This column is being written under a yellow caution flag:

News item: “Ball Four” author Jim Bouton advises Jose Canseco not to write a tell-all book about baseball.

Second thought: “It sounds like he’s writing the book I was accused of writing,” Bouton told Bloomberg News.

Memo to J.C.: We knew “Ball Four,” “Ball Four,” was a friend of ours. Mr. Canseco, you are not “Ball Four.”

Bouton’s recount of his 1969 travails with the expansion Seattle Pilots and Houston Astros remains, in my book, the best sports book ever written. Just to be sure, I reread “Ball Four” over the weekend to see how it stood up over time.

Verdict: The memoir has held up better than Don King’s hair; you forgot it is as hilarious as it is revealing.

The book was scandalous only because no player before had dared to breach the cocoon of the clubhouse, yet Bouton is neither bitter nor vindictive.

It’s an important distinction. Jose, can you see?

The book demythologized players but did not dehumanize them. Bouton revealed they spied on good-looking women from hotel rooftops, yes, that Mickey Mantle hit home runs with hangovers and that a lot of players took pep pills known as “greenies.”

Shocking.

Yet, Bouton rarely named names and you reckon he could have blown the roof of the Astrodome had he really wanted to unload.

Management hated “Ball Four” because Bouton exposed owners as money-grubbing weasels, revelations that would hasten free agency.

Bowie Kuhn, then baseball’s commissioner, summoned Bouton to his office after the book’s release and demanded the author sign a statement saying the book was a pack of lies. Bouton laughed in his face.

The San Diego Padres burned “Ball Four” and dumped the ashes in the visitors’ clubhouse. Ah, the price you pay.

Bouton’s book is a riot, like the time he asked teammate George Brunet why he didn’t wear underwear: “Hell,” Brunet said, “the only time you need them is if you get into a car wreck. Besides, this way I don’t have to worry about losing them.”

Bouton also is brutally honest: Imagine the courage it took to write about one of the game’s best players, “Carl Yastrzemski was recently fined $500 for loafing and I’ve been keeping an eye on him. Sure enough, he hit a ball to second base today and loafed all the way to first. I’m afraid Yastrzemski has a bit of dog in him. Always did, and people around baseball knew it all the time.”

“Ball Four” remains the book every 17-year-old boy should pick up right after he puts down “The Catcher in the Rye.”

Somehow, I can’t imagine Canseco, as protagonist, joining the literary company of Jim Bouton and Holden Caulfield.

Good luck, though.

News item: Seattle Seahawks sign quarterback Ryan Leaf.

Second thought: Guess which one of the following post-signing quotes was attributed to Leaf:

A: “The world owes me a living and this just proves it.”

B: “The Seahawks just signed one of the top quarterbacks in the league, I really mean that.”

C: “This town smells like fish, or maybe it’s just the sportswriters in this room.”

D: “I’ll bust my butt, whatever they want me to do here, I will do.”

Believe it or not, the answer is “D”.

News item: U.S. Olympic Committee president resigns over resume discrepancy.

Second thought: We know what you’re thinking over there at “Celebrity Boxing,” but it may be a tad too early to pit Sandy Baldwin versus George O’Leary.

News item: Mike Piazza says he is not gay.

Second thought: The story here isn’t whether Piazza is gay, straight, green or an atheist. The story, still hard to fathom, is why Piazza is catching for the New York Mets and not the Dodgers.

News item: Texas Ranger owner Tom Hicks says his big-time spending days are over.

Second thought: “I’m not doing it anymore,” Hicks told the Dallas media. “We are going to play within our means from now on, at least break even.”

We feel for the man paying shortstop Alex Rodriguez $252 million over 10 years and offer these cost-costing measures: low-watt light bulbs for the scoreboard; shorten the distance between bases from 90 to 85 feet; eliminate third base and have Rodriguez play both positions; rolling blackouts in the second, fourth and sixth innings.

News item: Quarterback Cade McNown is on the bubble in Miami.

Second thought: This could be a double whammy for the former UCLA star, in jeopardy of losing his job and his parking privileges.

News item: Matt LoVecchio announces he is transferring from Notre Dame.

Second thought: It’s tough to blame a guy for wanting to play for a winning team with a reasonable chance of winning the national title.

News item: Arizona Cardinal safety Pat Tillman gives up million-dollar NFL career to join the Army.

Second thought: Flashback to 1996. I’m in Tempe for an interview with Arizona State quarterback Jake Plummer. Before leaving, the sports information director says, “There’s a guy you have to meet, Pat Tillman. He’s different.”

Tillman had long blond hair. He spoke like a computer analyst. He would graduate summa cum laude with a 3.84 grade-point average, in three and a half years.

He recently turned down a $9-million deal with the Rams out of loyalty to Arizona, and he’s giving it all up to be an Army Ranger.

Yeah, I’d call that different.

News item: Dodgers’ Shawn Green hits seven home runs in three games.

Second thought: This incredible outburst brings back misty-colored memories of 1976, when the Angels’ Bobby Bonds walloped 10 homers over the span ... of a season! Bonds’ double-digit explosion total led the team. Bonds’ also led the Angels in runs batted in with 54.

Not that the game has changed or anything.