Bob Hope’s USO Joke Bag

Here are tidbits from Bob Hope’s monologues, told on USO tours over five decades, from World War II to the Persian Gulf War:

“Contrary to what you’ve heard, I did not entertain the troops at Valley Forge.”

Opening line at many bases in Europe and the South Pacific: “Welcome, fellow tourists.”

Opening line used when entering many a hospital ward: “OK, everyone on their feet.”

In London, 1943: “Fellows, the folks at home are having a terrible time about eggs. They can’t get any powdered eggs at all. They’ve got to use the old-fashioned kind you break open.”

At the Midshipman’s School at Notre Dame, May 29, 1945: “Now I know why they call this Notre Dame. There’s notre dame in sight.”

“I asked one pilot how many successful parachute jumps he’s made, and he said, ‘All of them.’”

“The USO has taught me to say ‘Kaopectate’ in seven different languages.”

In Naples, Christmas, 1963: “The last time I was in Naples, I entertained on the USS Forrestal. They put that in mothballs ... while I was onstage.”

Aboard an aircraft carrier, Jan. 18, 1967: “This ship stays at sea a long time. They only go back to port when the chaplain asks to see a chaplain.... To give you an idea how long these guys have been at sea, they just made Phyllis Diller their pinup girl.”