Over the river and through the woods, to insanity we go

DON’T get me wrong: I love my family. I just hate spending Thanksgiving with them.

It’s not just me. Sixty percent of Americans think they need a vacation after a holiday family visit, and 10% say they would rather eat a fruitcake than spend a week with their in-laws, according to a recent survey by the travel Web site Expedia.com.

So why are we getting on a crowded plane two days before Thanksgiving? My husband, Andy, has asked me that at least six times. He would prefer to stay home, run in the local turkey trot race and, not incidentally, save the money.

Of course, it’s not his family. We’re going for the same reason many of you -- about 37 million, according to AAA -- will be bucking traffic and negotiating airport security, traveling 50 miles or more from home. We’re going to reconnect with the relatives, sharing the same Thanksgiving dishes we prepare every year. (Doesn’t anyone ever get tired of creamed onions?) We want the kids to spend time with cousins and aunts and uncles -- whether they want to or not.

Some of us will have new babies, new fiances or spouses to show off. Others, grappling with a recent death, divorce or lost job, will struggle to put up a brave front. We’ll laugh, and we’ll probably fight. Certainly, we’ll eat and drink too much.

At least 80% of us will drive, renting a car if necessary. “It will be easier with the baby than dealing with the airport,” says my cousin Jayme Sitzman, who plans to drive from Denver to Las Vegas to join the family. Maybe it’s a sign of how much times have changed that new parents would rather drive with an infant for 10-plus hours than navigate a busy airport. It’s also probably a sign of these troubled times that so many of us believe it’s important to make the time-consuming and often emotionally taxing trek to see family rather than taking off for Disney World, getting in some early-season skiing or grabbing some of those cheap fares to London. Too bad the holiday doesn’t always play out like a Jimmy Stewart movie or a Norman Rockwell painting.

“You may be a successful adult, and all of a sudden you’re a middle child again, or the child who never lived up to a parent’s hopes and expectations,” says Dr. David Fassler, a Vermont child and adolescent psychiatrist.

Just the anticipation of a family visit can be stressful. That’s why so many of us get grouchy in the weeks beforehand, Fassler says.

Then there’s the trip itself: the kids wild from too much sugar and too little sleep, the well-meaning aunt offering misguided child-rearing advice, the teens sulking because they miss their friends and the sisters-in-law, fueled by too much wine, saying things they will regret.

We’ve all been there. I’ve walked through the airport the Sunday after Thanksgiving muttering, “Never again.” My kids usually laugh. They know I don’t mean it.

Luckily I’ve discovered that it is possible to stay calm -- and maybe even have a good time. It always helps if you can get away from the gang for a while, despite the possibility that your family, like mine, may complain you’re not helping enough. Too bad. Plan to visit an old friend, take a walk, go shopping or stop by a local health club.

“Avoid situations where you will feel trapped, like being in the suburbs without a car,” Fassler says.

Get the kids out of the fray too. Go to a playground, a movie or a nearby children’s museum or science center. (For directories, visit the Web site of the Assn. for Children’s Museums at www.childrensmuseums.org. or the Assn. of Science-Technology Centers at www.astc.org.)

Take construction paper, scissors and markers so you can put the littlest cousins to work making table decorations and place cards. They will forget what they were fighting about. Encourage the older ones to help cook. Where’s that oatmeal cookie recipe you used to help your grandmother make? Maybe the kids want to prepare something different, starting a new tradition. I’ll bet that vegetarian niece has a few ideas.

If you can afford it, spring for a hotel. You will enjoy the visit more. There are lots of deals to choose from. Homewood Suites by Hilton offers rates starting as low as $69 that include breakfast and coupons good for free movie videos. Call (800) 225-5466 or visit www.homewoodsuites.com. Some Hyatt resorts offer a free night with a minimum stay, as well as $100 to spend on resort activities. Rates start at $149. Call (800) 233-1234 or visit www.hyatt.com. The cousins will work off some energy in the hotel pool. Even better, you won’t have to share a bathroom with five relatives.

Pass the cranberry sauce.

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Eileen Ogintz’s column appears twice a month. E-mail her at eileen@takingthekids.com.