Barkeep! Another Round of Polling, Please

On the night of April 19, 2003, I conducted what I hope will be the first in a series of polls to gauge the mood of the country on a variety of issues. This poll took place at a lounge in Los Angeles at 12:40 a.m. There were nine respondents, representing what I believe to be a cross section of the nation, or at least something pretty darn close. The mood was relaxed and informal.

What emerged was a startling portrait of modern American life and a glimpse into the collective psyche of a nation struggling to find itself in the rubble of these trying times. (Note: Because of the limited number of respondents, the margin of error may deviate somewhat from that of more traditional polling methods.)

I began with the topic foremost on the minds of Americans, the war in Iraq. According to my data, 100% of the country now supports it. Also interesting to note, 100% of Americans claim they have always supported it. This in stark contrast to the alleged peace marches we’ve seen on television. Good news for the president indeed. But there’s bad news too.

Fully 33% of the country is now unemployed. Not since the Great Depression have numbers like this been recorded, and there’s no doubt that the situation portends some hefty challenges for this administration. Two-thirds of those not working are currently on welfare. Think about it: Approximately 75 million Americans are receiving public assistance on a weekly basis. The drain on our economy is almost impossible to fathom.

Admittedly, some of the most interesting polling data emerged during idle conversation. For instance, 78% of all Americans own two or fewer pairs of socks, and 100% of American men believe that Bob Hope should make another movie.

Shockingly, the number of Americans who own cell phones is so low that it’s statistically insignificant. And 45% of the country has eaten a Milk-Bone dog biscuit. All of them agree that it’s not sweet enough.

Based on my results, Americans continue to be optimistic: 100% of the country purchases lottery tickets each week and 89% of them are convinced that they will eventually hit the jackpot. More than 44% of the country intends to open a bar with their winnings, while the rest of the nation has no idea what they would do with the money.

As my research continued into the wee hours, 11% of the country became slightly incoherent and was excused from the study. This narrowed the scope of my poll significantly, while inversely affecting its accuracy. At least, I think that’s how it works.

In any event, the polling results became quite controversial during this stage.

When asked the question, “Have you been charged with a felony?” a full 75% of the country refused to answer. In fact, 12.5% of Americans were so troubled by the question that 25% of the country had to restrain him from assaulting me.

It was around this time that I decided to conclude my research.

Interestingly, 100% of the country thought that I should pay the bar tab. A vast majority of Americans were quite vocal about it despite my protestations. The net result was a sudden and very unpleasant encounter with the same 12.5% of the country who had moments earlier refused to discuss his police record. I decided that this segment of the population was to be avoided in the future.

I was left with a fascinating snapshot of our nation. Clearly, we remain a spirited country -- defiant, strident, steadfast, resolute and decisive. We’re far from perfect; in fact a whopping 78% may be alcoholics, and at times we’re downright strange.

One can only hope that our leaders will pay heed and that a certain segment of the population will return the wallet that he apparently took from my jacket.