Put Him on the First Private Jet Out of Here

The Dodgers are being swindled, shanghaied and Steinbrennered.

Make the trade.

It’s plundering, it’s poaching, it’s Grand Theft Pitcher.

Make the trade now.

The utter nonsense of the proposed deal sending Kevin Brown to the New York Yankees for subway tokens is surpassed only by the stubborn foolishness of keeping him.

The Dodgers have not made the playoffs since Brown arrived with his punky mood and private jet, and will never make the playoffs as long as they are saddled with his paycheck.

Like the varnished tree trunk coffee table that seemed a good idea at the time, he now clogs up the middle of the Dodgers’ living room, difficult to move and ruining every redecorating plan.

Want to splurge on a free-agent bat? Want to add a big contract in a trade?

Not while you still owe $30 million to a 38-year-old pitcher, you can’t.

He helps the team with his arm but kills them with his pay stub. He is an ace in a lineup of jokers. Last season he was second in the league in earned-run average, but tied for last in playoff games pitched.

He is Alex Rodriguez without the charm, overpaid and under-exploited, an October player whose mere presence makes it difficult for his team to survive September.

And now you have somebody who is finally willing to take him? Pay both years remaining on that contract? Somebody who is so paranoid about the Boston Red Sox and Curt Schilling that they might give up more than just battered pitcher Jeff Weaver? Maybe they’d even add decent first baseman Nick Johnson?

Somebody will actually take Brown and give the Dodgers at least one No. 3 starter and enough salary flexibility to add two bats?

What part of ‘Yeah, baby!’ don’t you understand?

That is the question that must be faced by General Manager Dan Evans this month, just the latest in a list that includes:

1) How did Richie Sexson get away?

2) Derrek Lee is going where?

3) What part of “Paul Quantrill” didn’t you understand?

It has been a certifiably lousy off-season, from prospective owner Frank McCourt’s balk to Evans’ wild pitches to a corporate spirit that resembles a passed ball.

Stuck in ownership limbo, the Dodgers have been shrugging their way toward spring training, blowing it by not giving up the outfield prospect who could have brought Sexson -- Franklin Gutierrez? -- while coming up lame on Lee.

And then there is Quantrill, whose imminent departure violates one of baseball’s sacred hot stove tenets: Never get rid of a middle reliever who is publicly thanked by your closer in his Cy Young Award speech.

Since the end of the season, the Dodgers have been as active as a bunch of a folks waiting for a bus, which they are, the new owner supposedly pulling up any week now, except McCourt apparently doesn’t have the money, and maybe he would be a temporary fix, and ...

Is it any wonder Brown has agreed to waive his no-trade clause for the Yankees?

The Dodgers’ only chance to salvage this winter is to grant his request.

To the team that once gave him $105 million for his intimidating presence, he is now worth more gone.

The money saved by Brown’s departure -- especially if the Yankees will pay some of Weaver’s contract -- will allow them to pursue the trade for Jim Edmonds.

It will allow them to pursue the signing of Pudge Rodriguez.

Or, who knows, maybe it could somehow clear the way for the likes of Vladimir Guerrero?

Wishful thinking, certainly, but the mere idea of a Brown-free payroll can turn a room giddy.

The loss of Brown will hurt the pitching staff, certainly, but last season it was arguably the best in modern day baseball history and still counted for nothing.

What if Brown -- shudder, shudder -- goes to New York and wins 14 games with a 2.39 ERA?

Guess what? That’s exactly what he did this year, and do you remember any of it?

Some will say he needs to be traded because he wants to be traded, and you know how nasty Brown can behave when he doesn’t get his way.

This should be no incentive, because, face it, how much more rude can he get?

Since coming here, he’s bullied the manager, trashed the clubhouse, embarrassed female reporters and given virtually nothing of himself to fans or teammates.

He was supposed to help the young pitchers. He taught them only to disrespect authority.

He was supposed to unify the clubhouse culture. He only isolated himself.

Yes, Brown has donated big bucks to inner-city baseball, and the money has done marvelous things that will remain after he is gone.

But when he finally departs, there won’t be a wet eye in the house.

Gone will be the final scar of the Kevin Malone era. Gone will be the giant car payment that has limited the Dodgers’ ability to buy groceries.

When he arrived here five winters ago, Kevin Brown said he wanted to help the Dodgers recapture their former glory.

Now is his chance.

Bill Plaschke can be reached at bill.plaschke@latimes.com.