Friends Won’t Let Friends Read These

These people live among you:

Ted Bloom: “Calling Kevin Brown your old friend is typical. You have no friends. You can block my e-mail address all you want. But I will create a new one every day, if necessary, until you are gone.”

Where would we be without our faithful readers?

Gary Duncan: “What is the chip on your shoulder concerning all things UCLA?”

If you had been a die-hard Trojan fan as long as I’ve been, you’d understand.

George Commo: “Vermont is a better place than L.A., not because it has better basketball teams, but because it has sportswriters with class.”

Vermont has more than one sportswriter? When did it hire another one?

Brendt C. Butler: “I am also sending a formal letter to your editor regarding the following.... Your reporting of UCLA basketball over the last several years is atrocious and your pro-[Steve] Lavin bias is embarrassing to the Times.”

I’m also replying to your bosses, so they know what you’re doing on company time.

Biggy Smalls: “Go somewhere else you pathetic (X!@#$%&). Take your ridiculous writing style to (@#$%&) and get out of our face.... You and your family are ugly, ugly, ugly.”

I don’t know about that, but I’m a little nervous to see what the daughter and the Grocery Store Bagger produce.

Ernesto Flores: “You are truly an idiot!”

I don’t understand.

Giles and Joyce: “I have been trying to figure out your motive for the trash you have been dealing out to the Bruins. Mistakenly, I thought your twisted attempts at humor might be your way of helping the program. Obviously, by the continuing use of the name Dullard you are just a small mind with very poor taste. Therefore, after reading The Times for many years, I am canceling my subscription, and would encourage anyone else that agrees with me to do the same. You have the guts to print this one?”

I can see how frustrating it must be for you, as a longtime reader of The Times, to never see me make fun of the Trojans.

Brooks Wilson: “Now that you’re the Trojans’ newest supporter, maybe you could give our ‘Toys for Tots’ effort a few kind words. The Thundering Herd is going to have two Marines at our tailgate party Saturday collecting toys.”

Anything for Trojan Nation.

Fred Ramirez: “I enjoy the banter that is created because of your column. But last year SC fans were upset with you, now UCLA fans are upset. Good thing Fullerton got rid of their football team years ago, or Titan fans would be on you. Hey, is there anyone who isn’t upset with you?”

The wife has been married to me for 31 years. Stopped talking to me 18 years ago, but I’m not complaining.

Guillermo Arreola: “Hi there, just read your column, and I have a quick question. Don’t you think you are judging Ben Howland a bit too soon?”

You people kill me; I gave him a whole half.

Adam Horowitz: “I know this will only reinforce your impression of San Diego’s (yokels, rubes, bumpkins), but I just can’t help myself: (%!@#$%#!). There, now for the calm, rationale response. Nope still can’t do it -- too mad. GET OVER YOURSELF AND THAT SMOG-RIDDEN, TRAFFIC-CHOKED PLACE YOU CALL A CITY, YOU SMARMY, MEAN-SPIRITED, SEMI-LITERATE HACK.”

You almost sound mad enough to kick over the outhouse.

Stason Zweifel: “Hey, mouth. I live in L.A. now and would welcome the Chargers; it’s better than watching all those Raider games at Hooters every weekend.”

You go to Hooters to watch football games, and you think I’ve got a problem?

Shari O’Connell: “I don’t know why everybody complains about you. I think you are awesome. Please call me when your wife throws you out -- and we know she will.”

That’s funny, Salma said the same thing.

Rusty Dickson: “I read your miserable excuse for a story, ‘Talk of Chargers Moving Drives San Diego Crazy.’ Do you think we can’t read or something? Don’t come back down here unless you have the moxie to stand face to face with me and call me those things you did in your alleged article. I’ll get a press credential and wait for you at a future press conference if I have to.”

I repeat: “Talk of Chargers Moving Drives San Diego Crazy.”

Clay Landon: “Regarding your comments about UCLA restricting media access to its athletes ... the intelligence of the UCLA athlete is in evidence when you consider the decision to avoid talking to the likes of you.”

Good thing nothing like that kept you from communicating with me.

Salvador L. Madrigal: “Ben Howland can coach and I can’t wait for you to eat some crow.”

The married daughter made her first Thanksgiving pie; left the skin and stems on the apples.... Crow might hit the spot.

Fredy Romero: “I am 18 and hope some day to be a sportswriter like yourself and other notable writers and reporters at The Times. I was just wondering if you would give me some insight of what being a columnist is like.”

Just read the e-mail from these people, kid.

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T.J. Simers can be reached at t.j.simers@latimes.com.