Celebs Defend Acts of Charity

Roseanne Barr sent me a nasty note.

Bill Cosby wrote a smart-aleck letter to the editor.

Paul Anka called to set me straight.

I should write about celebrities more often.

All of this had to do with a column I tapped out following a story by my colleagues Michael Cieply and James Bates about celebrities who grab wads of cash and gifts for parading their famous mugs at charity fundraisers.

I’d be upset, too, if I’d been exposed like that.

Barr’s cranky note to me referred to our report that she’d been flown by private jet to Canada for some ribs. It was nice to know we got her attention, but I’ve seen what she can do when she’s angry, and I’m disappointed there wasn’t more poison in her pen.

She said I treated her “like another plastic Hollywood Phoney (sic),” which I’m not going to touch. I was more impressed by a note she wrote to former pal Aaron Tonken, a crooked charity event organizer who apparently reneged on a promise to give her a gift from Cartier.

“Satan will soon be twisting your entrails onto his pitchfork and roasting them over a never ending fire hotter than a million suns,” Barr wrote to Tonken.

“Love Roseanne.”

I didn’t even get “Love Roseanne.” Her note to me said, “Please apologize. Thank you and may G-d bless you this Hanukkah.”

When I called Barr, she told me she does charitable deeds for no money and usually without fanfare.

Then what about the rib run to Canada, which ended up costing $60,000, counting limos and beluga caviar? Had Barr extracted the extravagant freebie from Tonken in return for agreeing to emcee an upcoming fundraiser?

No, Barr insisted. She said she hooked up with Tonken thinking he could steer donors to charities she cares about, and flew to Canada at his request. He wanted her to meet his family, and they ended up at a rib joint owned by friends of his.

I’m not sure this called for an apology from me, especially since her attorney declined to comment when asked about the trip. But I have a charitable heart, so I made an offer to Barr.

“I’ll take you out for ribs.”

Barr said she no longer eats ribs, but I urged her to reconsider.

“OK,” she said.

But no beef ribs; she’d take pork.

This is how these Hollywood people are. Always with the special requests. I decided not to tell her there would be no limos; I’d be escorting her in my Nissan Sentra.

Barr asked where I’d be taking her.

“Woody’s,” I said.

“Where’s that?”

“It’s on Slauson.”

“OK,” she said.

For such a drama queen, she seemed pretty easy. Maybe she was just being charitable.

I didn’t talk to Paul Anka as long as I talked to Roseanne, but it was just as much fun. We had reported that Anka had agreed to $100,000 and Learjet transportation to sing three songs at a Minnesota hearing aid foundation, and I had cracked that it would have been $200,000 if he agreed to sing just one song.

Anka called me to make two points.

“I’m not a fifty- or hundred thousand-dollar act,” he said with a bing-bang tone that made the Rat Packers stand up in their graves. “I’m two-fifty, three hundred thousand.”

And secondly, Anka said:

“Thanks for the mention.”

Love ya, Paulie babe. Let’s do the town, and dinner’s on me.

Bill Cosby should have as much class as Anka.

We reported that some celebs, including Cosby, have their agents draw up contracts for charity appearances. Cosby had a deal for $75,000, plus $10,000 in expenses, use of a luxury sedan and “100% headline billing,” to receive a humanitarian award at a cancer research benefit at UCLA. But the event was never held.

Cosby claimed in his letter that he was going to give the money back, and had instructed his agent to prepare a $75,000 check to the charity. So as I understand it, we’re supposed to believe he would accept $75,000 that he’d have to pay taxes on, and then fork over $75,000 in another check.

As for the $10,000 in expenses, Cosby said it would cost more than that to fly his private plane to Los Angeles from his home in Massachusetts.

“In the name of Jack Benny,” Cosby wrote, “I hope no one asks why I didn’t want to fly on JetBlue.... “

Has Cosby been knighted? I must have missed that story.

To clear up any confusion for Cosby and other celebrities, “charity” is the act of giving. It doesn’t look very charitable to see what kind of fee you can extract when you’re already worth millions, to have a contract written up by your agent or to complain about the hardship of winging in on your private jet.

You either graciously accept the invitation without asking anything in return, or you respectfully decline and stay home.

On Friday, I was at Los Angeles City Hall when actor Kirk Douglas and his wife, Anne, were honored for setting up a foundation that has given tens of thousands of dollars for school playgrounds. Unless I missed it, the actor did not ask the City Council if he could have a Rolex or the use of a private jet as compensation for his time and money.

Lots of celebs do good deeds like that, actress Eva Marie Saint told me in an e-mail. When I met with Saint and husband Jeff Hayden, a director, she talked about the millions Paul Newman has raised with his salad dressing, popcorn and other goods.

In February, Saint and Hayden will put on a show at the Beverly Hills Hotel and cover all the expenses themselves to benefit the Epilepsy Foundation. They’re going to perform “Love Letters,” and I’ll have more details at a later date for anyone who wants to buy tickets.

“If you’re getting something in return,” the actress told me, “it’s not charity.”

Do you have to be a Saint to understand that?

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Steve Lopez writes Sunday, Wednesday and Friday.