No Matter What You Say, He’s Got a Ready Reply

You say the Dodgers have reclaimed the Southland fan base from the World Series champion Angels.

I say the Dodgers haven’t won a playoff game since 1988.

You say the ringside physician should not have stopped Saturday night’s heavyweight bout at Staples Center because of that fender-bender gash over Vitali Klitschko’s left eye.

I say if it is more blood you crave, rent the “Texas Chainsaw Massacre” box set.

You say it was a slow sports weekend on television.

I say you must have missed the PWBA Greater Cincinnati Open at Erlanger, Ky.

You say Wimbledon begins this week at Center Court.

I say it begins July 4 weekend, in my pajamas, with my coffee, on center couch.

You say England has to be considered the cradle of tennis civilization.

I say the last Englishman to win Wimbledon was Fred Perry in 1936.

You say Jose Canseco was arrested on steroid charges.

I say someone ought to X-ray Canseco’s head for cork.

You say Roger Clemens should go into the Hall of Fame wearing a New York Yankee cap.

I say Clemens should be allowed to wear any cap he chooses, even if it has a propeller on top.

You say African American baseball pioneer Larry Doby died this week.

I say Doby was to Jackie Robinson what Buzz Aldrin is to Neil Armstrong.

You say Lennox Lewis was lucky to retain his heavyweight title belt.

I say it was a terrific fight. The jabs were on point and neither pugilist gave quarter. Lewis-Klitschko? Well, that was good too, but how about analyst Larry Merchant retaining his HBO title with a knockout post-fight interview?

Lewis had the size advantage and maybe even better command of the English language, but Merchant stood verb-to-verb with the champ and made Lewis admit (sort of) he had underestimated Klitschko’s ability and heart.

There are nights you can make popcorn in the time it takes Merchant to spit out a question but usually, if you stick around for the end, he asks the right one.

You say you don’t understand this mess in which the Atlantic Coast Conference is trying to lure three teams away from the Big East.

I say you are not alone and that the only conference getting rich so far is the company running these daily teleconferences. Trying to follow this story is like trying to eat soup with a fork. I do know the ACC doesn’t have the seven votes required to steal Miami, Syracuse and Boston College because, politically, swing vote Virginia can’t leave Virginia Tech behind in a weakened Big East. So, this week, some ACC brains said “why not invite Virginia Tech too,” despite the fact ACC presidents last month voted unanimously to exclude Virginia Tech, which is a plaintiff in a pending lawsuit against the ACC.

Get it? So now the ACC has to decide whether or not to invite only Miami, stick to the original plan, sub-in Virginia Tech and sub-out Syracuse, go to a 14-school concept or chuck it all and invade Grenada.

You say ESPN should start working on a new Christmas basketball tournament and call it “The ACC-Big East Shootout.”

I say if ESPN did that the two conferences might bring real weapons.

You say Manchester United sent soccer star David Beckham to Real Madrid for a reported $41.3 million.

I say there could be a movie in this about an Indian girl with a crush on the English soccer star who runs up huge credit card charges at her local department store. You could call it, “Spend It Like Beckham.”

You say former Alabama football coach Mike Price filed a $20-million defamation lawsuit against Sports Illustrated.

I say wait, that’s not all. Because Price filed his suit before Friday midnight, he also will receive a free SI souvenir mug, alarm clock and a commemorative issue of “Great Defamation Lawsuits in SI History.”

You say you can’t wait to see William “Refrigerator” Perry in a hot-dog eating contest against Takeru Kobayashi.

I say I’d rather listen to George Will recite the infield fly rule or get stuck in an elevator with Carrot Top.

You say Mike Tyson was arrested Saturday in an early-morning brawl outside a New York hotel.

I say what a difference a few feet makes. If you are a boxer and get in a fight inside the hotel, say the MGM Grand, they pay you upward of $10 million. But if you hit a guy in valet parking, you get cuffed.

You say Rick Neuheisel was allowed to conduct his annual high school football camp at Washington over the weekend while he ponders the legal appeal to his firing.

I say that must have been some revised itinerary:

9 a.m. -- Camp Welcome.

9:10 -- Stretching.

9:15 -- Stretching the truth.

9:30 -- What I think of my athletic director.

Noon -- Lunch and ice cream dessert (fudge).

12:30 p.m. -- Fudging.

1 -- Tackling drills against dummy (my athletic director, if available).

2:15 -- NCAA basketball office pool tips (And why I hate the “pod” system).

2:30 -- Station workouts: bump-and-run technique, “bumping” a recruit technique; running circles around the NCAA rule book cone drill.

3 p.m. -- Camp adjourns, post-game party for all kids at coach’s house unless prohibited by NCAA rules.

You say Washington has picked assistant Keith Gilbertson to “supervise” the football program until the Neuheisel issue is settled.

I say you supervise a construction site, or a Taco Bell, but not a football program.

You say the University of Mississippi has retired the offensive mascot “Colonel Reb.”

I say you can always count on Ole Miss being in step with the times ... Medieval.