Joining the Race for Bargains at Costco

I resisted as long as possible, but I couldn’t handle the pressure any longer. Friends talked about rock-bottom bargains on everything from car tires to fish sticks. I felt out of step, isolated, un-American.

So on Friday I joined Costco.

More than 100 people stood outside, baskets at the ready, before the Costco in Atwater Village had even opened. It was like the starting line at a NASCAR race, and for a moment, I got cold feet.

I’m a hopeless coot in some ways. I once traveled the nation reporting on how superstores had helped bulldoze the American landscape, crushing entrepreneurial spirit and obliterating the character and history of a thousand towns, all for a $1.99 savings on a 12-pack of tube socks.

But Mom and Pop are as dead as Main Street, and Wal-Mart plans to build dozens of mega-stores in California. We’re obviously headed for the day when one store the size of Montana sells everything, most of it made in China, with illegal immigrants cleaning the floors at night.

I can’t keep living in the past, and so I fell into the long line to the future when the Costco doors opened. For $45, they welcomed me aboard, took my photo and gave me a Gold Star membership card. I felt as if I’d renewed my citizenship.

I’m not sure why they had to have my nickname for records, but I put S. Lo down on the form and listed my wife as Mrs. S. Lo. Would friendly employees be calling out, “Hey, Mr. and Mrs. S. Lo,” on future visits?

As I turned and looked at a floor space the size of a Boeing 747 hangar, stacked to the rafters with potato chips and plasma TVs, I began hyperventilating.

Where do you even begin? Do they have a map?

The employee scoreboard, located under a gigantic U.S. flag, celebrated Ismael as the Top Scanner with a 99.52 rating, whatever that means, and Aaron earned top honors for “Members Processed.”

It’s the new American factory, and shoppers were already pushing overflowing double-wide carts and flatbed wagons up to the 27 assembly line checkout counters.

Don’t hesitate, I told myself. The whole economy is based on people shopping, shopping, shopping, whether they need anything or not. If you’ve got big, you need bigger. That’s why Costco has a Philips 60-inch TV ($1,499).

A consumption frenzy fueled a growth spurt this summer, just as President Bush promised when he whacked taxes. But spending was off again in September, so we’ve all got to do our part and get the rally going again.

With everyone shopping as if it’s an Olympic event, clock ticking, you sort of get the bug and start grabbing things. I picked up a Kirkland Signature Gusseted Rectangular Pet Bed ($18.49, made in China) and had a smile on my face until I remembered I don’t have a pet.

I’ll tell you one thing -- people aren’t exaggerating when they talk about super low prices. But do I have room in my freezer for 60 Eggo waffles, even if they are only $6.85?

With enough willpower, I suppose you can buy nothing but healthy food, but self-restraint seems almost subversive at Costco. And besides, with every step you take, the devil taps you on the shoulder.

Hey, S. Lo, how about five pounds of Mission Tortilla Chips ($4.25), or 3 1/4 pounds of frozen cheese-stuffed jalapeno poppers ($8.99), or 9.62 pounds of boneless pork loin ($18.18) for the next time the Flintstones drop by for dinner?

I found the strength to resist, though, just by watching other shoppers herd through the chutes with items such as the eight-can Cattle Drive Chili Party Pack ($7.99). Many of them did not appear to be strangers to the 35-pound Chef’s Pride Liquid Frying Shortening ($15.39).

I’ve got to get out of the food department, I told myself. I walked past the 4-Piece Resin Pilgrim Family ($19.97), and saw a woman struggling to lift the 4-Piece Indoor/Outdoor Carolers ($63.99, street lamp included) into her basket.

A man who helped her now looked like he might buy a set of carolers himself. But not this Gold Star member. I had my eye on the Santa on Bench Bird Feeder ($18.99).

Santa was made in China, and it occurred to me that if we put Iraq and Afghanistan to work making Santas on Bench or the Pilgrim Family, we might be looking at a much more stable situation in those places.

That would mean bigger tax cuts for us, which would mean I could buy Costco jewelry for Mrs. S. Lo, or sign up for the Costco Custom Garage Door Program, or use the Costco Real Estate Agent Service to buy a new house, which I assume will be built by Costco.

I was developing a headache just thinking about it, though, and went over to the pharmacy for the Kirkland 1,000-count Lite Coat Aspirin ($3.59). But when I got to the checkout stands, every line was backed up 10 deep, with shoppers pushing enough meat, potatoes and pastries to end world famine.

This must be why everybody drives a huge vehicle, and in another example of great marketing by Costco, a bright and shiny new 2003 half-ton GMC Yukon XL was parked just outside the store and listed at $43,229.

“Ignore the Sticker Price,” read the sign in the window. “Members Pay Less.”

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Steve Lopez writes Sundays, Wednesdays and Fridays.