WMD: Writers’ Massive Delusions

“Mexican rebel Subcommander Marcos, one of the best-known Latin American revolutionaries since Che Guevara, published the first chapter of a novel on Sunday that promises to be a critical commentary on contemporary Mexico.”

-- Reuters

“[Saddam Hussein] is said to be writing a novel, ‘Get Out, You Damned,’ excerpts of which have appeared in a London-based Arab newspaper.”

-- Associated Press

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From: Crandall Publishing Co.

To: Subcommander Marcos, Mexico

Please find herewith the manuscript of your novel “Awkward Deaths -- Who Murdered Mexico?” While we appreciate your submitting it to us for our consideration, we regret that it does not meet our needs at the present time.

In the event that you are interested in resubmitting it to us with revisions, please consider the following suggestions:

(1)Though the book appears to be conceived in the “Who dun it?” genre, it is clear from the opening pages who, in fact, “dun” it: President Vicente Fox of Mexico.

(2) It strains credulity that, after murdering Mexico, President Fox would try to frame Quebec.

(3) Chapter 7 does not advance the story; it is little more than an exhortation to the Mexican population to start a riot outside Los Pinos, Fox’s official residence. Omit/change?

From: Crandall Publishing Co.

To: Saddam Hussein, Iraq

Please find herewith the manuscript of your novel “Get Out, You Damned.” Although we regret that it does not meet our needs at the present time, we very much appreciate your having enclosed a self-addressed stamped envelope.

In the event that you decide to write another novel, which we do not wholly recommend, here are a few pointers we hope will be helpful.

(1) One of our editors found it confusing that the protagonist had 19 look-alikes and 73 different homes. Omit/explain?

(2) Why would the protagonist claim to have a cache of weapons if it later turns out that he has none? This seemed to us like asking for trouble.

(3) A book should not have the word “damned” in the title -- that will keep it off the shelves at Wal-Mart.

From: Crandall Publishing Co.

To: Kim Jong Il, North Korea

We are pleased to inform you that we have accepted your manuscript, “The Little Spent Fuel Rod That Could,” for publication. It is, without equivocation, one of the most delightful children’s books we have read in years.

We intend to publish the book word for word, with only one small exception: Chapter 2, which consists entirely of detailed instructions and a diagram for building a nuclear warhead. We think this may be a little over the heads of the children (ages 7-10) for which this book is intended. Omit/change/dumb-down?

At any rate, it’s not a major issue, and we can talk about it at lunch. How’s next week looking for you?