Instant family? Just add water

“Summerland,” which opens for business with a two-hour premiere tonight, is inexplicably pronounced summerlund (as in Donald and Kiefer Suther-) in the WB’s promos. And that’s as freaky as it gets. “Summerland” is so cloying, safe and blithely titillating -- so televisiony, in short -- that there’s not much to do but tumble into a peaceful stupor before it.

This should come as no surprise, seeing as “Summerland” comes from some of the televisioniest minds ever to hatch a series. Co-executive producer Aaron Spelling, obviously, is a man of many gifts; he has a gift for blending equal parts churchy clean living and bare flesh to make velvety concoctions that go down as easily as aerosol cheese. And he has a gift for imagining young adult relationships as symphonies of mutual admiration and emotional support, occasionally punctuated by an assault from an out-and-out villain or a brief rocky patch/valuable life lesson. (That which doesn’t shove you in the pool with your clothes on makes you stronger.) As for his partner E. Duke Vincent, to glance even fleetingly at his long list of credits -- “Gomer Pyle, U.S.M.C.,” “The Colbys,” “Models, Inc,” “Malibu Shores,” “Charmed” and “7th Heaven” -- is to conjure a world as removed from humanity as only a long career in television can bring.

Which is to say, don’t be surprised when you come across lines like the one Erika (Taylor Cole), a beautiful, 20-ish surfing teacher, lays on her smitten 16-year-old charge: “Just promise you won’t be the kind of guy who takes a girl up to Spanish Cove, makes her feel like she’s the whole world, and then .... Just promise!” In the right context, accompanied by the right starchy snacks, lines like these can be infinitely satisfying.

“Summerland” stars Lori Loughlin as Ava, a carefree girl of, like, 30-ish, who inherits her sister’s three children following a tragic flooding accident. (Loughlin is 40 in real life, but Mr. Spelling also has a knack for age-deaf casting. Who could forget Gabrielle Carteris, 30-year-old high school student on “90210”?) Moody-in-a-good-way Bradin (Jesse McCartney), moody-in-a-bad-way Nikki (Kay Panabaker) and the adorably death-obsessed moppet, Derrick (Nick Benson), quit Kansas to move into their fashion designer aunt’s beachfront rental. Nevermind that she already shares the house with her friend and business partner, Susannah (Merrin Dungey), her zealously devoted ex-boyfriend, Johnny (Shawn Christian), and their Zen-surfer roommate, Jay (Ryan Kwanten). It’s a classic “Full House”-ian arrangement.

Single-trait organisms untroubled by the flaws, contradictions and weaknesses that often make drama dramatic, these adult characters exist only to play supportive roles in wimpy Ava’s life: Susannah is Sassy Voice of Reason Girl, Johnny is Unwavering Emotional Support Guy and Jay is Zen Spirit Guide Guy. Their limitations provide many opportunities for adorable scenes in which they try to explain things to kids. Things like, why didn’t your last relationship work out? And, why, in your mid-30s, do you still live with three roommates?

No doubt comparisons will be drawn to that other beachy and summery mega-hit, but “Summerland” lacks the “The O.C.’s” sparkly wit and moral ambiguity. It’s more like “7th Heaven’s” slightly less Christian, slightly better developed cousin.

“Summerland’s” adult characters may be guilty of a few venal flaws -- impatience, flakiness -- but it’s clear the real mortal stuff will be reserved for the series’ villains. When Ava gets her hand rubbed by a soon-to-be former boss (Sexual Harassment Guy), she just looks up at him and whispers, “Once again, Ian, I’d like you to stop that.” On “The O.C.,” such behavior would have warranted a slap, or at least a well-timed “Ew!”

The makers of “Summerland” evidently are reaching for that elusive cross-generational appeal that has worked for “The O.C.” There is something for everyone here: Johnny for the ladies, Bradin for the teen girls, Erika for the teen boys, Jay for anyone who ever dreamed of sharing living space with a promiscuous surfer and Derrick for the employees of Hallmark.

Nine-year-old Derrick becomes fixated on death after misunderstanding something Aunt Ava tells him about how he was the best gift his mom ever got. (Her birthday is coming up.) Suddenly, he’s a young Harold (sans Maude), inquiring into methods of painless suicide, stretching himself on a shorefront rock during low tide to await the Grim Reaper. It’s like a really morbid “Family Circus.”

Nikki, 13, reacts to the death of her parents with unmitigated rage -- most of it directed at her aunt, or Loughlin’s dull interpretation of her aunt. Just as the “good” adults on the show are allowed only minor flaws, Nikki, because she is a kid, is allowed to be a total id monster. We are meant to feel her loss, but after two hours, I just felt my blood pressure rising.

As Spelling shows often do, “Summerland” feels as if it were written by people who don’t live among us and are unfamiliar with our ways. (When the grown-ups, at the end of their teen-orphan tether, call a roommate referral service, they each spill their guts to the flunky on the other end of the line.) Slightly misused expressions are part and parcel of the total Spelling experience. Pushing a hangover cure on Bradin, for instance, Jay says, “Trust me, I used to have hairs on my chest.” (They fell off?) Moments later, Bradin berates him, “What is she, just another chick to you? One in a million, right?” (Meaning, you know, the opposite.)

But even with the maudlin kickoff, “Summerland” is meant to be pure fantasy, and it indulges all manner of impossible dreams. For grown-ups, it’s children without childbirth and family without family. For kids, it’s being raised by grown-ups who live like teens. And for all the carefree girls of 30-ish watching, there’s six-pack Johnny, selfless pillar of support, ripped friend in need, reliable husb-ish. The coziness is almost unbearable, the bikini shots almost embarrassing. Watching “Summerland” is like watching a stripper jump out of a homemade cupcake.

*

‘Summerland’

Where: The WB

When: Two-hour premiere at 8 p.m. today. (Encore at 8 p.m. Sunday.) Regular schedule, 9 p.m. Tuesdays, with encores at 9 p.m. Mondays.

Rating: The network has rated this episode TV-PG-D (may be unsuitable for younger children, with an advisory for some suggestive dialogue).

Lori Loughlin...Ava

Jesse McCartney...Bradin

Kay Panabaker...Nikki

Nick Benson...Derrick

Shawn Christian...Johnny

Ryan Kwanten...Jay

Merrin Dungey...Susannah

Taylor Cole...Erika

Produced by Spelling Television Inc., a Paramount/Viacom company. Executive producers, Remi Aubuchon, Stephen Tolkin, Aaron Spelling and E. Duke Vincent.