Is he a mama’s boy, pit bull man or crude T-shirt guy?
There comes a point in a new relationship with a man when every woman asks herself:
Is he psycho, a jerk or gay?
This quiz will help you uncover the truth and then quickly pull a sheet over it.
His mother:
a) Adorrrrrrrres her.
b) Hates her.
c) Killed her.
d) Good ol’ Mom!
His father:
a) Mom’s waaaay too good for him.
b) Who?
c) [Stream of expletives.]
d) Aw, the old man.
His favorite shirt:
a) A lovely shade of lilac
b) T-shirt that says, “Are Those Real?”
c) Bloodstained
d) Plaid flannel
His dog:
a) A shnorkie named Alphonse
b) A Rottweiler named Harley
c) A three-legged, one-eyed pit bull named Judas
d) A black Lab named Buddy
His place:
a) Spotless, furnished along modern, Minimalist lines, with bold splashes of color
b) Other women’s clothes on closet floor, long hairs in shower, video camera under bed
c) Greasy
d) IKEA furnishings, shows recent extreme cleaning effort
His car:
a) Silver Volkswagen Jetta
b) Red Camaro
c) Baby blue 1984 Buick Skylark
d) Black Honda Accord
His spending habits:
a) Money is no object when it comes to a swell dame like you!
b) Keeps mental track down to the penny to make sure everything’s 50-50.
c) Never has cash on hand, but thought you’d like some of his mom’s ashes.
d) Pays 90% of the time.
His job:
a) Designer, graphic artist, architect, chef, choreographer
b) Lawyer, business executive, screenwriter, salesman, musician, actor
c) Janitor in a rendering plant, medical assistant at a tissue bank, taxidermist, children’s birthday party clown, plastic surgeon
d) Teacher, social worker, grant writer for nonprofit
His term of endearment for you:
a) “Darling” or “Honey”
b) “Hey, you”
c) “[Rhymes with witch]!”
d) “Sweetheart”
Scoring:
Mostly A’s: As my friend Carolyn says: “We can love the gays. We just can’t love with the gays.” Mmmmkay?!
Mostly B’s: Lock and load.
Mostly C’s: Three words: witness protection program.
Mostly D’s: Oh, this guy’s good. He’s very good. Check his closet again.
*
Samantha Bonar can be reached at samantha.bonar@latimes.com.