Tune In if You Want to See Sheer Madness

East is East and West is West, always have been, unless you are running the NCAA men’s basketball tournament.

This year, getting a head start on the sleep-deprived decision making that made last year’s “Selection Sunday” instantly infamous, the NCAA has decreed that the East Regional is no longer the East Regional -- it’s “the East Rutherford Regional.” Likewise, the old West Regional is now “the Phoenix Regional,” the former Midwest Regional is now “the St. Louis Regional” and the erstwhile South Regional is now “the Atlanta Regional.”

“That’s because of something Al McGuire used to talk about,” Billy Packer said during a CBS conference call this week. “He said if the committee would meet in a tenement building in Brooklyn each year, they would never come up with those kind of ideas, because they wouldn’t have to justify why they went to Bel Air, California.”

To make matters even more confusing, teams playing in the Phoenix Regional will first play subregional games in Seattle, Denver, Kansas City or Raleigh, N.C. Some teams playing subregional games in Seattle, Denver and Raleigh, however, will be playing in the Atlanta Regional, and a few other teams playing subregional games in Kansas City will be playing in the St. Louis Regional.

No wonder the Sunday television schedule is glutted with studio shows analyzing the NCAA tournament pairings. Fans are going to need help sorting through the chaos. They need experts clear-headed enough to guide them through the insanity, to provide clarity amid the madness.

And those watching ESPN will make do with Dick Vitale.

CBS will take first crack at it, revealing the 65-team field at 3 p.m. At the same time, ESPN will have a special-edition

“SportsCenter” for instant bracket analysis.

Then, at 4 p.m., ESPN and CSTV will roll out their “Selection Sunday” shows, with ESPN devoting Todd Bertuzzi-level coverage to the release of a few sheets of paper: three hours, two sets, seven talking heads and one appearance by -- no kidding -- the Amazing Kreskin, described in a network press release as “one of the world’s foremost mentalists,” who will offer his tournament predictions. Will everybody go totally mental before Monday?

You don’t need the Amazing Kreskin to know the answer to that.

In the meantime, available for viewing this weekend:

*

TODAY

* Pacific 10 men’s championship

(Channel 2, 3 p.m.)

How does Stanford emerge from this weekend? Before the Pac-10 tournament began, Packer called Stanford “one of the four teams that I can see winning six games in the NCAA tournament. However, because there are so many people in this hunt for this No. 1 seed ... they better win their postseason conference tournament if they’re expecting Sunday night to be sitting there in a No. 1 spot.”

* Kings at San Jose Sharks

(Channel 7, noon)

Good news, at last, for the NHL: The league’s website, nhl.com, reported a single-day record of more than 1.9 million hits on Tuesday.

Less than good news for the NHL: Those 1.9 million hits could be largely attributable to the vicious hit Vancouver Canuck winger Todd Bertuzzi put on Colorado Avalanche rookie Steve Moore on Monday.

Moral of the story: Too depressing on too many levels to even consider.

* Lakers at Chicago Bulls

(Channel 9, 5:30 p.m.)

A mid-March mismatch, nothing to get too excited about. So why not up the ante, “Dream Job” style? Losing team has to sign Dennis Rodman to a one-year contract.

* U.S. Curling national championships

(Channel 4, 11 a.m., tape)

TV Guide listed the tape-delayed curling tournament as one of “10 Good Reasons to Stay Home This Week.” TV Guide did not say whether that meant you had to turn on your television set.

SUNDAY

* NASCAR Nextel Cup Golden

Corral 500 (Channel 11, 10 a.m.)

Fox will cover the race live, as it happens. Not so the Performance Racing Network, which provides radio coverage of NASCAR events. Beginning Sunday, the Performance Racing Network will broadcast races with a seven-second delay, a decision made after Busch Series driver Johnny Sauter uttered an expletive during last week’s live broadcast.

The expletive cost Sauter $10,000 and 25 Busch Series standings points. NASCAR also put the driver on probation through the end of the year.

“NASCAR is not overly sensitive,” Tony Stewart told the Atlanta Journal-Constitution. “The FCC is overly sensitive about it. And we all have Janet Jackson to thank for that.”

* PGA Honda Classic

(Channel 4, noon)

No word yet from NBC on whether there will be a seven-second delay for Johnny Miller.

* ACC men’s championship

(ESPN, 10 a.m.)

For the first time, the NCAA says it plans to reveal its ranking of the four No. 1-seeded tournament teams. Will Duke be No. 1 overall? Two more victories this weekend in Greensboro, N.C., ought to clinch it.

* Dodgers versus Montreal Expos

(Channel 13, 10 a.m.)

See for yourself why Vladimir Guerrero opted for Anaheim.

* San Antonio Spurs at Sacramento Kings

(Channel 7, 12:30 p.m.)

National ratings of last Sunday’s NBA on ABC: Lakers-Nets drew a 3.0, Mavericks-Rockets a 2.2. Season average for the NBA on ABC: 3.0. This Sunday, it’s the defending champion Spurs against this season’s leading challengers, the Kings. Finally, 4.0?

* “The Perfect Season”

(CSTV, 3:30 p.m.)

A look at Saint Joseph’s 2003-04 basketball season. The original script was such a creative and heart-warming piece of writing. And then some editor named Xavier comes in and hacks it all up.