It Works ... Seriously

A hearty, hale and sincerely unctuous welcome to Iraq today as it joins the globe’s growing ranks of nations riven by democratic elections. Though events indicate that Iraqis still have a little to learn about seeking office in modern democracies, here’s some new vocabulary to help Iraqi politicians:

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Shaking hands: A meaningless ritual laden with import, especially if cameras are present. Shaking hands with everyone is unsanitary. So American elections end just before the flu season. But handshakes show you as a regular guy despite your suit, haircut, bodyguards and armored passenger vehicle. True, shaking right hands means putting your gun in the left hand for a minute. But then you appear less threatening, which helps when planning the next ambush.

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Smiling: Also meaningless, but it happens all the time in democracies. Smile when happy, angry, losing. Smile long and often, not just after opponents’ arrests. When was the last smile you saw in Iraq, not counting Saddam’s captors? Smiles elevate droopy mustaches. And they’re not always a sign of weakness.

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PR: A broad-caliber weapon not to be confused with rocket- propelled. PR uses words, not projectiles, to gain political ground. PR stands for public relations, which is what you pretend is important when voters and cameras are around.

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Spin: Nothing to do with tank turrets. It’s how you present your best case to voters. Yes, some highways contain large holes. Spin is that bomb craters make honest jobs for hole-fillers.

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Talking points: This is like a list of targets, only you just talk about them, point by point by point, until everyone falls asleep or the TV camera is turned off.

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Puzzlements: You should often be puzzled by opponents’ statements unless they concern the flag or this great land’s future. Always detail what you’re afraid your opponent said. Requires frequent fears and deft misunderstandings.

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Stump speech: Some countries have trees, tall growths of wood that provide something called shade. They’re often cut down to build houses. What’s left sticking out of the ground are stumps. Politicians climb onto them and say the same thing over and over. See talking points.

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Debates: Ammo-free public discussions about topics of fashionable interest to a few reporters who desperately need story ideas. The important things here are not what you say but how you sound and look.

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Polls: Not soldiers from Poland. These are statistical snapshots of how people say they’d vote on some day before the election. They mean nothing. See debates.

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Exit polls: Not soldiers from Poland going home, but lies told by voters upon leaving polling places.

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Cliches: Very important political tools. They are key words like mother, country, healthcare reform, fruit pies, baseball, low-cal and, in the U.S., an Uncle named Sam. Never mind him. Everyone agrees these feel-good words are warm and nice, like hot tea after a good firefight. Use them often. Support them vigorously and lengthily to avoid discussing anything of substance.

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Super Bowl: A large musical/advertising extravaganza interrupted by moments of unarmed athletic combat over an inflated piece of animal skin by large, rich men in tight pants. Has nothing to do with democracy, except for the chips and circus parts, but gets a much higher turnout.

Remember, democracy is a complex, fragile process involving earnest outbursts of passion, lengthy eras of devoted inattention, profound periods of ignorance, fervent fundraising and chads. It takes centuries to find freedom’s loopholes. This is only the beginning for Iraq.