Roaming is for cellphones, not your lover
IN an interview a few months ago, the wife of NBA player Andrei Kirilenko of the Utah Jazz, former Russian pop star Masha Lopatova, said she gives him a “woman allowance” -- once a year he’s allowed to be with another. In some circles, granting your significant other this freedom is called a “cheating pass.”
Which provoked the thought -- just how common are these arrangements?
I’ve seen surveys estimating their frequency. But as I’ve always thought people’s responses on sex surveys are as reliable as their responses on the questionnaires about why they can’t serve jury duty, I decided to dig deeper.
My initial reaction was that cheating passes were the domain of the kinky, the weird, the super freaky -- the MySpace.com members.
However, in my own unofficial sampling I learned the consensus is that a significant minority of people had at least contemplated an arrangement involving a cheating pass, as they allegedly add spice to a relationship. A sexual mulligan, if you will. I also learned that in Los Angeles these relationships can take the form of allowing your significant other to be amorous with only certain celebrities, should that opportunity arise.
I figured if I had a cheating pass I’d want my celebrity to be a B- or C-lister, perhaps someone from “Celebrity Cooking Showdown.” For the same reason I asked the girl with zits to the prom instead of a cheerleader -- greater odds of success. (Likewise, if you’re a woman with a cheating pass I’d stay away from the George Clooneys and go with the Carrot Tops.)
I also learned that if half of the couple feels he or she married or is dating significantly below his or her their station, that’s the one more likely to feel entitled to a cheating pass. Which could be bad news if your last name is Federline.
Although cheating passes exist in L.A., I gather they’re rare. Los Angeles is obviously cutting edge. But aside from the proclivity of nearly every business in Hollywood -- with the possible exception of hardware stores -- to designate “fetish nights,” we’re not so different from any other community. Of course, there’s the fact our idea of free enterprise can be renting out our domiciles to porn producers. And the notion that breast implants make appropriate high school graduation gifts. Other than those things, though, Los Angeles is not so different from any other community.
Generally people here are naturally possessive. Giving your significant other permission to roam once a year or once a week is territory the vast majority of us aren’t ready to venture into.
Devotees talk up such dalliances. Kirilenko’s wife said her reasoning is that forbidding someone from doing something only makes them covet it more. But by that logic we should legalize murder and bank robbery.
Perhaps surprisingly, Kirilenko said he hasn’t taken his wife up on her “allowance.” So is she on to something? Could granting permission remove the craving for the occasional touch of another? Or, when your name is Kirilenko and you live in Utah, does that negate your opportunity to find willing partners?
If you roll the dice by giving cheating passes a trial run, you’re on thin ice. Assuming Kirilenko hasn’t taken his wife up on her offer, he’s the anomaly. What if your partner really likes the variety? If you feel the need for a cheating pass, perhaps you need a pass to move on to the next relationship.
Most of us give our partners certain passes -- some slack for forgetting to take out the garbage, for not remembering birthdays, for shouting out Naomi Watts’ name in intimate moments, for failing to trim that unibrow since Carter was in the White House.
It’s wise to draw the line there.
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Brad Dickson may be reached at weekend@latimes.com.
