WKND FEEDBACK
Being straight with women
Samantha Bonar struck a nerve with her depiction of the cruel dishonesty of gay men who become emotionally and physically involved with women who believe they are straight [“When ‘Brokeback’ Leads to Heartbreak,” March 2].
It happened to me when I was young and I have never gotten over it. In reading descriptions of “Brokeback Mountain,” it is that aspect of the story I find morally repugnant.
Why are we supposed to sympathize with people who let their feelings and urges supersede their obligation to act with loyalty and integrity? Doing the right thing can often mean going against our own wants and desires. Weakness of character should not be celebrated.
LESLIE STEM
Gardena
*
While I certainly understand Ms. Bonar’s concern that she and other women have been treated unfairly by men on the fence about their sexual identity, it seems equally unfair to saddle those men with the entire burden of responsibility. After all, it’s only since Lawrence vs. Texas, decided in 2003, that sex between consenting adults of the same sex is legally permissible in all 50 states. Only in Massachusetts is it possible for same-sex couples to marry.
So, it’s pretty evident that same-sex relationships have some distance to go to achieve universal acceptance. That being the case, coupled with strong societal and religious anti-same-sex messages, is it any wonder that those who still feel insecure about their sexual orientation might choose to avoid committing to it by “playing the game” of being straight?
Instead of blaming the men, wouldn’t it be better, Ms. Bonar, if you would use your witty prose to help push away the stigma they may feel and help them shed the need to “duck and cover” in relations with women who will inevitably be hurt?
RON SAMUELS
Studio City
*
Implicit in the column, although not clearly stated, is what appears to be your belief that HIV and other sexual diseases are transmitted only by men who have had sex with men. Anyone having sex should assume that their sexual partner is HIV positive, and act accordingly, i.e., use a condom and not do anything that would allow for the transmission of HIV.
Did you ever really think about why people have a sexual identity crisis? I do not know where you grew up, but most of the U.S. and most of Los Angeles County is very, very homophobic. Have you ever done anything to debate the homophobes of the world? Until homophobia is defeated, there will be people with a sexual identity crisis who will not be honest.
Lastly, while I do not feel that you intended it to sound that way, your column comes across as whiny and you sound a bit like a princess. The world is what it is, and that includes people who are not above board.
ROBERT KHOURY
Los Angeles
*
Thank you for your article. I am currently dating a bisexual male and am curious about what a future may hold for us. I went through the red flags checklist and the guy I am seeing didn’t get one checkmark. I have looked for books on it, but have been able to locate any. In this relationship I am just enjoying the ride, being very careful and seeing where it goes.
NIKKI HOWARD
Cerritos
*
An added thought: My older, non-gay brother once told me I was being selfish -- “There are a lot of single women out there who need companionship.”
So, while I appreciate the column, the ending, in light of my experience, should have included telling people like my brother to let us work out our complexities on our own. Gay men are not a solution for the problems of “single women who need companionship.”
GENE TOUCHET
Palm Springs