Relationships that are poles apart

OPPOSITES attract? Ha!

If that were truly the case, I’d be dating a fun, positive, cute young blond with thick shiny hair, a sexy tattoo and a graduate degree from Stanford.

And with any luck at all -- female.

But opposites don’t attract. They just frustrate people who suddenly realize it’s way too much work to accommodate someone who insists on your making the bed even on days when you’re not throwing a formal dinner party.

We like to think opposites attract. It’s part of the whole ADD thing -- otherwise known as the “grass is greener” syndrome. That way, if you’re bored with your life, you figure someone out there completely different from you would certainly spice things up. You know, add a little spark. Take you out of your dreary existence.

But is that what we really want? Doubtful. We actually like our dreary existences far more than we think. Otherwise, we’d probably make major changes ourselves. For example, let’s assume when I come home from a hard day of failing to find steady work, I like to settle in for a night of Netflix and Fresca.

Now then, what if I were greeted at the door by my “opposite,” who suggested we attend a book-signing, a Pilates class or some other incredibly silly pursuit -- instead of sitting around watching the Jennifer Love Hewitt “True Hollywood Story”? Then what? I’m guessing some sort of heated discussion might ensue, centered on the fact that I’m content to spend the next 11 hours eating sponge cake.

How does that “opposite” thing sound so far? As you can imagine, your lives can get quite messy.

Another example: Let’s say she likes to take cruises, whereas you get carsick going over Laurel Canyon. Or what if you like dogs, and she prefers wild, untamed animals -- the sort where you don’t know from one minute to the next whether they’re going to curl up, wander off or go for your throat?

In other words, cats.

Or she likes to try new restaurants. What!? Why?! You’re quite comfortable with the Thai place at the corner even though it received a “C” from the L.A. County health department. “Honey,” you plead, “a ‘C’ is one tiny step away from a ‘B.’ If they do have bugs, they’re probably dead by now.”

And the worst realization of all: You love funny movies -- and she enjoys Steve Martin’s recent work.

Really, why do you think a certain expensive, successful Internet dating service asks its clients to answer 436 personality questions? So it can pair you up with your “opposite”? Not likely. No, it’s looking for another you -- only better looking -- and without the manic depression.

Believe it or not, we more or less like ourselves. I asked myself out to dinner the other night and had a swell time, until one of us got a little too “forward.” We know what we like and, more importantly, what we don’t. Aren’t we really just looking for someone to validate our own strongly held opinions? Face it: You’re thrilled when your boyfriend/girlfriend agrees with your every whim.

It’s like a baseball team. The pitcher doesn’t fire 95 mph fastballs at a catcher who’s expecting a big ol’ slow curve. Somebody’s going to wind up in the hospital that way. No, they’re in perfect harmony before the ball’s thrown.

Dating your opposite has a certain cool, high-wire quality in the short term, but usually results in a wildly difficult relationship filled with tension and hostility.

Or as millions of Americans lovingly refer to it: marriage.

*

Howard Leff can be reached at weekend@latimes.com.