REJECTED

XXVIII Maius

Dear Apostles Matthew, Mark, Luke, John, et al.,

I’ve enjoyed reading your material greatly. Your writing is wonderfully lyrical and lively. Every book, or chapter if you will, is full of eloquent prose, fanciful metaphors, dreamlike imagery and well-constructed allegories. I particularly liked how you tipped your yarmulkes to Greek mythology, playing on the Hercules/Zeus relationship with Jesus as the Son of God--truly brilliant! And I found myself being drawn into the Gospels with all of their glorious “Hosannas.” In fact, I wonder if it couldn’t become a chorus to a popular song.

All that said, I don’t think I can sell your New Testament, and I’m going to pass on the project.

The book lacks an audience. It’s very hard to market this kind of material in our present environment. The Zoroastrians and the Mithraists are both competing for a piece of an already small pie of pagan literates, while Jews have the monotheistic market covered with their semi-successful Torah, Prophets, Writings, etc.

Mind you, if I felt there was a foreign market for your material--at least two or three other languages--maybe the news from my end would be better. Furthermore, it might be an easier sell had you fellas written the original manuscript in Latin. As it stands now, no serious publisher in Rome would want to get involved because, let’s face it, who wants to begin a project by translating 2,000 scrolls of papyrus?

I wonder if you’ve given any thought to pitching this story as a film? Our Rome and Los Angeles offices have been working hard on this sort of synergy, and it might work better in that format. In fact, I could easily picture Horatius Lutatius Maximus playing the part of Jesus. (He was a tremendous hit in last year’s production of “Oedipus.”) But then I wonder, does Jesus have to die in order to be resurrected? I would rethink that from a marketing standpoint. I was with you all the way, but film execs will be thinking about the common citizen. And Jesus cheating death is a bit of a stretch. What if he just got badly hurt instead?

But as a book, I just don’t feel there are enough potential converts who’d be interested in plunking down three denarii for such a collection. And short of a future emperor proclaiming your start-up cult the official religion of the Roman Empire, I don’t see the environment for this book changing over the next millennium.

Of course, we agents have been wrong on occasion. After Virgil died, no one at this firm would touch the “Aeneid” with a 10-cubit pole. And look how well that’s sold.

So if you’d like a second opinion, I’d suggest sharing your manuscript with another agency. Maybe one that specializes in “Inspirational Books.” You fellas are strong, creative writers. I hope you don’t find this letter too discouraging because I think you have loads of potential. Whatever you do next, please don’t give up on the writing, and please feel free to send me something else in the future.

All best wishes,

Agrippina Pius